Do Your Eyes Light Up When I Enter The Room?

Whispers. The answers seem to come in whispers which are hard to hear when you are giving your attention to that which shouts out at you the loudest. Every other week, I unfollow 20 or 30 people on Instagram, to rid my feed of low vibration entertainment. And it is for this, my feed is often changing. The past few days, posts published by Santino Rice have been showing up first in my feed. And the captions have caught my eye.

I read it and I cried. I made an agreement with myself to live in a place of gratitude more and more each day. And yet there are but few posts by those I follow that are centered around gratitude. Is it mandatory to share your gratitude on Instagram? No, of course not. But, by habit, by unconscious following, due to a lack of deliberateness, I had been giving my attention to everything BUT what my actual desire was, on this platform. And a mere echo of, what felt like. a genuine expression of feelings I conjure within myself daily, was so moving, I shed a tear. Reading the line, “Deepest appreciation… for your friendship and always seeing me. You are such a gift!”, I thought, does anyone in my life truly see me? As a gift??? Do I see anyone as a gift? Am I capable of observing it? Am I truly presenting myself?
I remember the first time, as a child, someone asked me what I wanted. A question so unfamiliar to me that I burst into tears, because I didn’t understand how to answer the question. “Whatever everyone else wants” I responded. Could it be that I had become so accustomed to accepting that which I did not desire, that as an adult, I subconsciously sought it out, because the feeling of displeasure had become so normal? How many times have I found myself in a room with people who saw straight through me… and stayed?! Due to a lack of deliberateness. Due to unconscious accepting.
How could I possibly hear the whispers of belonging when my ear is pressed to the door of denial?

I recently started watching, “They’ve Gotta Have Us”, “The rise of black actors as they have gone from being the backdrop to calling the shots. This is the inside story of the turning points of black life on both sides of the lens…” as described by Google. It seems, I am at a personal turning point myself. Somehow this programming, discussing the macrocosm of the American Film industry, seemed to describe the microcosm of my social existence. Things I had convinced myself were truly my imagination were being so articulately described. But, as we all know, it is not what happens to you, it is how you respond. And, again, I had been responding with unconscious acceptance…. But, I no longer accept this acceptance
No matter what the subject, no matter who does or doesn’t agree, no matter the social pressure, if something does not align with my desire and my dream of Life, I will not participate. .Do your eyes light up when I enter the room? Because my eyes light up at the love I have for myself. And not only that, perhaps I should focus on those that my eyes light up for. Perhaps those places will have fewer people. Perhaps these settings will be less popular. Perhaps those I know now will have no interest. But, it is not my business to maintain the interest of others, in the same way, it is not their business to maintain mine. It is OUR business to follow our hearts and step into the fullness of who we are. No matter the subject, no matter who agrees, no matter the social pressure. 
And so I gleefully release the disempowering habit of unconsciousness acceptance. What healthy relationship with myself or anyone else, could I truly build on such a principal? Perhaps graciousness and purposefulness, deliberate creating are what is called for to hear the whispers of Love

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Venmo: @seanings

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