“You’ll hit gold more often if you simply try out a lot of things.”
― Ira Glass
The renewable resource that, for all my life, has fueled the vehicle that drives me, is the search for GOLD. And so, I have tried a lot of things and found gold here and there, but mostly gold plated rocks. But, that doesn’t stop me, because I know gold is out there. But, after losing friends, feeling trapped and suicidal, and watching “family” become more and more distant, I began to wonder, “is there gold in here? within me?”Every teaching I have encountered tells me that I must first see what I desire within myself before I can see it without. And so, I began a quest inward, to discover the natural resources that lay hidden in the fields of my inner world, that no military force could ever excavate or monetize. And along this inward journey, I was surprised to see ideas from the outside world.
“Your best isn’t good enough”
“I don’t date black people.”
“I’ll fucking kill you, you stupid f****t”
I found that my fields were filled with weeds, draining the nutrients of the soil of my soul and keeping my flowers of love from reaching their full potential. And this was no coincidence. You see, years ago, as a child, I asked the universe to guide me towards expansion, growth, enlightenment. And as Abraham Hicks says, “you always get what you want.” I got it; a never ending parade of lessons; growth in wolf’s clothing, as Robin Sharma would say. Initially, I took to victim-hood. “Why is this happening to me?” With time, I began to see patterns, I also began to see how this idea of being a victim would often keep my from doing things that I KNEW would help me. A clear solution would stare me in the face and all I could think was, “someone help me,” when it was I who needed to help myself. So, for once, I decided to tend to my own garden, rather than wait for some sexy gardener to take interest in my fields. I used tho only tool I could find, a HOE.
HOE or Heaven on Earth is a state of mind, that helps one to see more clearly that which is dis-empowering and drains your resources (weeds) in order to consciously remove them and actively care for and focus on, that which empowers you (flowers). Initially, I scratched the surface and was amazed by the results I found, the short-lived results. Changing the words I used during self-talk, becoming more and more aware of my self-limiting beliefs, they were just the beginning. If I wanted true change, I had to get these weeds by the root. So, I stopped. Everything.
I stopped watching TV, I stopped drinking alcohol, I stopped smoking, I stopped having sex, I stopped watching porn, I stopped masturbating, I even stopped fantasizing. I stopped focusing on changing things and started focusing on being something completely different. I imagined that person I always hoped I’d become; what he looked like, how he thought of himself in relation to the world around him, the compassion he had for others, how he expressed Love. And I decided to stop waiting for him to appear and just do it. Now. In ever situation, I’d ask, How would my future self see this situation? He has tons of insight. How would my future self transform this narrative into something more helpful? What environment would my future self put himself in, that would be conducive to growth? And that being, my future self, would travel in time, from the future to the present and show up in situations as my Hero.
He showed me to have compassion for those who aimed at hurting me, because just as I am learning how much my conditioning is shaping me, so too are they. Their lack of Love is not about you, it is about them and it can only hurt you if you take it personally. Have compassion.
He showed me that if I don’t want to swim, don’t get in the water. Why continue to put yourself in an environment that hasn’t learned to respect you? Go elsewhere.
He showed me one my greatest tools; focus. Where you attention goes, energy flows. Be mindful of where you place said attention, in your thoughts, in your actions, and be mindful of that which aims to distract you. Distraction is the vice of Focus. So, what are you really gaining from the distraction of meaningless sex, likes on Instagram, notifications on your phone? You are gaining distractions.
Future me is the hero I have been waiting for my entire life. It’s only that I hadn’t realized he was inside me this entire time. The past few years have seen me in, what some may call, extreme isolation. This was the only way for me to discover what is me and what is noise. And now, I believe, The Universe is conspiring to align me with those vibrating at a similar frequency . Those who, like me, tended to their own gardens and found within them, GOLD.