Zipolite, Vol IV: Death

I hadn’t been to a nude beach before 2017. My boyfriend at the time suggested we go, I was interested, and so we went. It was actually one of our last days staying at Hevan, when Chris suggested we move to Berlin together. Berlin… where we eventually broke up.

Coming back to Zipolite on my own was one of many steps in realizing I can do anything. Not because it is so “difficult.” I mean, emotionally. I can be alone in a place that feels so far from the rest of the world, where I am relying heavily on my second language, where, even beyond language, I am not certain that anyone would understand me. I can do this. I knew it, instinctively before, and after 7 months in Zipolite, I now have first hand experience.

What I wasn’t aware of, in my conscious mind, was how I would handle running into my ex-boyfriend after having left him 4 years before in Berlin. But, sure enough, as I sat down at a table for breakfast, there he was. I was sitting when I heard someone say, “no puede ser.” I looked up and saw someone and I felt something, but I didn’t see him… I mean to say, I clearly saw that a person was there, his face was clear, and yet my mind went blank. No thoughts at all. And yet my body started standing. I still wasn’t thinking, no name came to mind. It was clearly him, but this was the depth of the shock I was experiencing. My past time with him was one of my most rewarding and painful experiences. And here we both were, back in Zipolite, four years later.

No one owes me anything and I participate in all my experiences, so I don’t look for apologies. I instead find forgiveness within, for me and for others. And I had already forgiven myself for the beliefs I had, that led to those thoughts, that led to those actions I chose to take back then. And I had completely forgiven him, as well. For. Everything.

So, when we had dinner, to catch up, the following night, I was surprised to hear apologies leaving his mouth. I didn’t need them. And yet, there they were… in abundance. All the moments he mentioned, I remembered very well. And although at the time, there was so much energy encouraging me to give in, and make this behavior normal, I left. Because I trusted myself. Even thought the energy I was in back then, was centered around doubt and the fear of being alone. I found the courage to leave. And now, after four years apart, he is sorry.

My ego said, I don’t need this, but my heart said, “Thank you.” That moment revealed how much I had grown. There was conscious growth, as I had taken it on as a full time activity from the time we broke up, up until that moment of reunion. So, change in general- not a surprise. But, energetically, hearing all of what had happened from the only other person that was there, and still feeling so grateful for the experiences and grateful that he was okay- it was surprising somehow.

Another thing I had not anticipated was what this strong, direction shifting experience would help me to see about the other characters in my life. In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie explains in her classic voiceover style that, it is in comparing one relationship to others past, that we decide how “good” it is. I don’t know how universally true that is, but being around my ex, who I have no real intention of being with again, for just a couple days, made all the guys I knew in Zipolite look less than desirable. If I remember correctly, my thought was, “What the fuck am I doing?”

The depth of humanity, of seeing another person change, of witnessing their life, cast a shadow on the shallow relationships I had there. It helped me see that I was looking for something that was not in those people. I say this with respect.

And I died.

The fear, the “needing”, the sadness. It died. Instantly. And I stopped pretending that I was anything less that what I am and I never looked back. All this under a Scorpio Super Moon.

Thank you, Zipolite.

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