Curtain Call

Hello Everyone.

I am at a crossroads. I know that all things are possible, that I can do, be, and have anything that I desire. I understand that the way things look are not always indicative of how they will turn out. And yet, in this moment, I am feeling…. lost.

Money is almost gone and still no source of income, no home of my own, and no family. What will become of me?

I’ve climbed up, fallen back down, gotten back up again. And here I am again. How will I ever find stability? How will this situation transform into one of Love and abundance?

I sat up this morning thinking of ways to end my life. Because I felt like I just can’t do it anymore. I feel so alone. I have to leave my place on Sunday and I have nowhere to go. I felt so pitiful thinking these thoughts, so ungrateful. How dare I think these things when there are people who have fought for their lives.

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. And I wonder if I will live to see it. I wonder if anyone cares. I tried talking to a friend, but it was like they just didn’t hear me, almost as though, they went deaf when I spoke of what was happening and then they just never addressed it. I wonder if I deserve this.

I pray, I meditate. I call out for help. It’s true, I have improved so much over they years; my beliefs, my thinking, my habits. I am a completely different person from ten years ago. My talents, my dedication. And as I grew, so did the way I saw the people in my Life. And slowly, I found myself all alone. For Peace. And I was doing fine. I even helped so many people. Like the child I sponsor in South America. What will become of him? I was helping to give him clean water and pay for his schooling. Now, I am not sure if I will be able to eat tomorrow.

To all of you, I say thank you for reading my blog and listening to my music. I pray that your life is filled with Love and Abundance. Do better than I did. Please.

While on Necks, They Stand

Everyone I know wants me to die. It seems there is this agreement they have all made to be silent in my times of need. To slowly back away and when I turn to grab a tissue, dart out the door. The general public, upon glancing at me, decides I have no value and projects the idea that I aim to steal the only things they do value: the material. They project this like a nation of immigrants, saying “get those damn immigrants out of here.” Or a group of people known for raping and pilaging, crying, “they’re rapists.”It’s like a game of the head variety. Each level increasing in difficulty.

It is so much easier to care for those other faces, for those who also get their feet wet in the lake of alcohol, those with status, those who are already celebrated. Those, that by their shared agreement to turn equally away from the Light -just enough to enjoy the dark, but not enough that their own conscious deems them a monster- makes them feel better about themselves.

 “I am not okay,” I told the Aquarian, fighting back tears in a call for HELP I rarely make. An opportunity she took to turn away even more. From me, the one who always listens and tries to help. And then, without an ounce of self-awareness, has the audacity to come knocking at my door, weeks later in hopes, like the vampire she wishes she was, that she could steal my energy to lift herself back up again. The one who told her best friend that it is I who is spoiled and selfish.

The Cancer, who I loved so dearly. Who I once dropped anything and everything for, because I loved her so dearly. The one I did my best to empower every chance I got.Who with her familial spotlight of Love always turned her back when the most devastating events stabbed me in the back. The knife in the hands of her uplifters. Even telling her best friend, “Stop supporting him, you make me look bad for not doing it too.” Never imagining those words would make it back to me.

And… the Scorpio, who saw my unconditional Love as a weapon. Who occasionally threw me scraps so that when the weight of the oppression she suffered at the hands of the judgemental and selfish ones she did invest in became to much to bare, she could vacation in my shores, just long enough to lift her spirits again, before heading back home to her empty palace: the bed she made and now must lay in. But, not before traumatizing me again and again for her own entertainment.

“A Family,” they say.Nothing like the ones I grew up seeing on TV. “Get over it!” said the Gemini, who perhaps was so devastated by the Love they so dearly wanted being given to a darker skinned outcast offspring that they made it their mission to buy my entire dark-skinned family and banish me. “Sean, you are temporary.” He said. Revenge. “Why did I save his Life?” I often wonder, “when he so clearly wants me to die of a broken heart.”

Money is all they care about. Just like the white women in the streets or the Asian women in the stores who are so certain I want theirs. Money? No, you fool. Love is what I value. And yours is far too conditional for me. It is poetic that the one everyone thinks is after their money is actually the one who stuffs greeting cards, lined with poetry, with cash to give to the homeless. The one who for the past Three years has been sponsoring a young boy named Igor in South America, determined that this boy not be forgotten, like he has. It has taken me years to understand that at the core, our values are so different that all this time, we were never having the same conversation. They, projecting their greed and judgement on me. I, projecting my unconditional Love on them. 

The Aries warned me about this years ago. “They don’t Love you,” I remember hearing at the age of 11. Tough words coming from an even tougher disciplinarian. I may have heeded his warning, if my spirit hadn’t begun rejecting every word that left his mouth. Because if those words were true, were all of his? “You have no common sense. You’re not normal” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Did he honestly expect me to Flourish with these seeds being planted in my mind from the age of 6? Did he think watering me with his fist to my chest and his belt to my behind would help me grow toward the Sun? His tone, so piercing, that upon entering university, I changed my name, because the sound of “Sean” ignited such fear in my heart, I thought I would explode. I instead imploded, with the weight of the world’s judgement coming in from all sides. Lacking love to balance it out.

Balance is something I never knew the bipolar, Libra-Virgo to have. How ironic is it, that if you Google her name, a picture appears of her kissing her first born son, with the caption, “My Mommy Loves Me.” Something she seemed to enjoy reminding me was not true for me. I was instead her punching bag. She would lure me in with her sour candy and litter my little body with hit after hit. Both physical and mental. I guess that is what the United States Air Force teaches and so I had to learn. She let me know the moment I met her. I will never forget. To a six year old she said, “Sean, I don’t like people who talk more than I do. You talk more than I do.”

Buuuut, none of these people are to blame. It is I who couldn’t find a way to breathe with their hands covering my mouth. I could never find a way to get the Trauma out of my head. And that is my own problem. I wasn’t comfortable giving in and becoming like them, which would have at least made it easier. But, alas, I could  not. I instead chose to learn about the mind and spirit. To shine by eliminating excess food, alcohol, sex, and the like. But, what I did not understand is how this would alienate me more. From everyone. Now, no one understands me. My Truth sounds like a joke to their pessimistic ears. Like a person saying, “you’re beautiful” only to hear, “stop teasing me” as a response.

So, I roam the Earth, looking for a safe place. A place to call home. You know what they say… when in Rome do as the Romans do; Kill, conquer, destroy. But, I am not interested in being like the Romans. So, I slowly disappear into a cloud of tears that sits in the sky in such plain sight that you don’t even see. All because I could not bring myself to beat them or join them .And after years of trying, I could not change myself enough to, as the Gemini said, “Get over it”It is my own fault, really. Not theirs. Not my “friends”. It is not their responsibility to Love me or lift me up. It is not their duty to go beyond “hearting” a message I send or seeing my many, “Hey, how’s it going?” as me trying to start a convo, the way their, “fine” ends it. They have their own inner worries and circles that I do not fit into. A square, not a-round. So many others have figured it out, why can’t I? Or better yet, how many others never figured it out and slowly faded into non-existence? Like a Pop Star with just not enough hits or the ever sought-after “it” factor.” I guess, I just don’t have “it”.Call me by her name; Tinashe.

So, I guess what I am saying is, I am just not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, white enough to get it together. I just couldn’t settle for mediocrity or hypocrisy. And so my alienated heart has been shattered into a million pieces, wondering why I am not good enough to Love. “Thirty-three is your Jesus year,” they said, as they hammered my hands to the cross. “Jesus, I can’t take this,” I say to myself as my 33rd year nears its end. With my arms fully stretched out to the heavens. Wondering if some greater force will have mercy on my poor, weak, soul. But, relief has yet to come or I am to blind to see it. Either way, from this perspective, it seems they want to isolate, manipulate, and degregate me into submission. Monsters, lacking such self awareness that they scream, “save the puppies” as they eat the chicken. The scream, “Me Too!” as they say, “not you”. And they chant, “Together We Can” while on necks, they stand.

YOU

All I have in my heart is Love. It hurts me to even think negative thoughts about others. When I think about how I contribute to the world, I imagine how I can bring more Joy and Peace.

But, Mexico City, you do not see that. You do not see a sophisticated, cultured, young person who studies the art of self mastery, who meditates and does Tai Chi. You do not see a person who focuses on managing their own energy for the good of the world. You do not see a talented, trained actor. You don’t see the Love in my heart.

What you see is my brown skin and everywhere I go, I see you looking over your shoulder, guarding your purses, not making space for me on the sidewalk, hosts of restaurants not making eye contact with me, cashiers being rude to me.

I walk around with a smile on face, doing what I can to not take it personally. But, it isn’t just one instance, it is almost everywhere I turn. Everyone is suspicious of me. As if you have anything I desire. Your fear of me only shows me how much you care about material things. I was born in Germany and grew up in The US. Surely, I did not fly to your country to take your pesos.

But, you cannot imagine that, because of the color of my skin. Perhaps too, because I look younger than I am. You can only see me as an impoverished person here to take from you. You rob me of smiles, of warm hellos. It is as though you want me to suffer. You desire to send negativity my way. That is your wish.

You don’t know that I come here to spread Love and Abundance, to buy things I don’t need just to support street vendors. You don’t know how much energy I put into improving my Spanish, so I can respectfully communicate with you. You just see me as a brown person that you believe is lower than you. You don’t know the rooms I have been in. The things I am capable of.

You break my heart. Into a thousand pieces. You make me wonder, “what is the point of living?” It’s one thing to experience this sort of judgement in The US. Here, it seems… beyond insane. Why do you wish to hurt me so?

You are creating a world of suffering. Punishing someone who wishes nothing but the best for you. You will never understand the pain you have brought into my Life.

When you see me in the street, there is no need to worry that I will take something from you, because the only thing I am interested in is Love and it is clear that you do not have any in your heart for me. You want me to die, you want me to suffer. But, I will not.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Metanoia

heaven on earth metanoia album music art

I wrote, produced, and recorded my second EP, one month after the first. I have no training. I am self taught. I am self driven. Listen if you like, or don’t if you don’t like. My Life is the same. But, I am grateful for the opportunity to share it with those souls who appreciate it. I Love You and I See YOU.

I also would like to use this opportunity to express how much I love myself, before I move on to the next thing. I do all of this on my own. I run this website. I produce my own music. I film and edit my own videos. Artwork. Concepts. Everything. I am not surrounded by friends. I don’t have conversations with people everyday. I am mostly alone. And at the same time, I am running 24-30 miles a week, doing Tai Chi, meditating and reading to better myself. There is no outside motivation. No emotional support. I don’t say this to complain. I say this to recognize for myself that although others don’t recognize what I do, I see and respect myself. And I won’t stop, because my life isn’t about others accepting me. My life is what I make of it. I was born into such darkness of abuse, neglect, manipulation, exploitation and I am so grateful that I have managed, with the help of the words and stories of humans who came before me, to pull myself out of the darkness. To love myself. To believe in myself. And to keep going, even when I am met with silence. This Life is for me and in the same way that If you walk up to a tree and call it stupid, the tree doesn’t lose any value, the tree still the same, if you ignore me or think of me as lacking value, my value hasn’t changed, you just aren’t seeing it. And that has nothing to do with me.

I Love You.

Then What?

What this life truly is, I am not certain of, on a conscious level. We have been told so many stories, whisper down the lane from, let’s say the time the pyramids were built, till now, some 5,000 years. The attempt to influence us is incessant. And sometimes we are not aware of our own intentions moment to moment, let alone those of others. Each and every one of us has a unique understanding of what is happening. We are all living in different worlds that have some basic, shared understandings. That is over 300 million worlds in the “US” alone.

Patterns seem to have a grip on this reality. Cycles. The planet making its tours around the sun. The moon and its phases. Cyclical weather. It goes on and on. So much so that we base society on these cycles. And what of our personal cycles? What rule do they have over our subconscious minds? And what of those who have managed to ascend to a place that grants them a broader view of this life? How are they influencing society, knowing they are conscious of things you are unconscious of?

Questions.

Inside of us, there is a compass, that is unspoken. After all, spoken language is something that has been installed in us. It does not exist in nature. It was someone else’s idea and it has been put in your head against your will, in order to navigate society. But, before spoken language, our ancestors must have had a way of hearing, seeing, understanding the intuition we have all experienced on various levels. For them, was this intuition clearer, since they were, I imagine, less distracted than we are? These people managed to survive, be innovative, and create without the luxuries you demand today.

Places didn’t have names and there were no Google reviews of the grassy fields they encountered, warning them of what was there. They discovered on their own. What are you discovering on your own? Whose Life are you living?

Recently, I remembered; we are living on the same rock that The Bible speaks of. This is the same place. Water. It was here back then too. The same water. With the “story” of the world being taught to us in institutions, we think of it as this distant thing. As though it were another place. It was not. This is the same place and you are no different from the people that were around when the pyramids were built. You are their children. Have you forgotten?

You are not an American, an Indian, a Mexican… you are the fruit of this planet that exists without a name. It requires no name. Just like you. You are not all of these ideas. These ideas came into existence to help easily point to an experience you are having, not to define you. Have you ever heard the saying, “you can’t get wet from the word water?” These names and ideas; gay, straight, black, white, introvert, extrovert they are symbols pointing to experiences that are constantly changing. What would happen if you thought of them as such?

You are unlimited.

Think on that.

Unlimited.

Without limit.

You know all the people that have done things we deem extraordinary? Extraordinary: outside the normal course of events. Like olympians, inventors, philosophers, artists and such. They are you. What if you saw them as a reminder of what you can do, when you step outside the normal course of action?

Then what?

Are You?

Do you remember feeling that a role in a conversation, a joke, a performance, or an attitude was just so delicious? That embodying whatever you were embodying was so interesting, satisfying, and curious – even to you; the the medium through which this expression was realized? Can you recall the feeling of playing, in everyday life? At the convenience store? In the cab? On the phone with customer service?

I can certainly recall some delicious moments, when I chose to do exactly what interested me, regardless of societal protocol. These moments feel charged with energy and potential and they call our co-conspirators to play along with us. Doesn’t it seem that more often than not, people are willing to play with you?

What does it feel like, to make fun, play, enjoyment; the creation of delicious moments, a priority?

Are you willing to play?

Are you?

harald martin ferber

yes.

I Don’t Wanna Play You No More (Heartless)

Hey everyone! You know I love music. I put this together yesterday and I am so grateful for the opportunity to share it with you. Listen and nod you head, dance a little, enjoy your life, because you are a magnificent expression of all that is and I love you.

In honor of Aaliyah

The beat: “Are You That Somebody”

-Aaliyah, prod by Timbaland

Vocals: “Still Not a Playa” “Heartless” “Too Late”

Big Pun, Joe, The Weeknd

Remix: H.O.E.

Dear Stranger: Make It!

I initially wrote this song 5 years ago to motivate myself. And recently, I rerecorded the song and my love for it has been reawakened. We can Do, Be, and Have anything we can imagine. It truly is a matter of belief. The Universe consistently reminds me of this and I would like to pass it along.

The song, “Make It,” appears on the EP, Veritas, which I recently released. All music and editing was done by me, using free clips from Pexels.com to take the video places I have yet to visit. Tell me how the song/video makes you feel and listen to the rest of the songs from Veritas on Spotify and all other streaming platforms.

Zipolite, Vol IV: Death

I hadn’t been to a nude beach before 2017. My boyfriend at the time suggested we go, I was interested, and so we went. It was actually one of our last days staying at Hevan, when Chris suggested we move to Berlin together. Berlin… where we eventually broke up.

Coming back to Zipolite on my own was one of many steps in realizing I can do anything. Not because it is so “difficult.” I mean, emotionally. I can be alone in a place that feels so far from the rest of the world, where I am relying heavily on my second language, where, even beyond language, I am not certain that anyone would understand me. I can do this. I knew it, instinctively before, and after 7 months in Zipolite, I now have first hand experience.

What I wasn’t aware of, in my conscious mind, was how I would handle running into my ex-boyfriend after having left him 4 years before in Berlin. But, sure enough, as I sat down at a table for breakfast, there he was. I was sitting when I heard someone say, “no puede ser.” I looked up and saw someone and I felt something, but I didn’t see him… I mean to say, I clearly saw that a person was there, his face was clear, and yet my mind went blank. No thoughts at all. And yet my body started standing. I still wasn’t thinking, no name came to mind. It was clearly him, but this was the depth of the shock I was experiencing. My past time with him was one of my most rewarding and painful experiences. And here we both were, back in Zipolite, four years later.

No one owes me anything and I participate in all my experiences, so I don’t look for apologies. I instead find forgiveness within, for me and for others. And I had already forgiven myself for the beliefs I had, that led to those thoughts, that led to those actions I chose to take back then. And I had completely forgiven him, as well. For. Everything.

So, when we had dinner, to catch up, the following night, I was surprised to hear apologies leaving his mouth. I didn’t need them. And yet, there they were… in abundance. All the moments he mentioned, I remembered very well. And although at the time, there was so much energy encouraging me to give in, and make this behavior normal, I left. Because I trusted myself. Even thought the energy I was in back then, was centered around doubt and the fear of being alone. I found the courage to leave. And now, after four years apart, he is sorry.

My ego said, I don’t need this, but my heart said, “Thank you.” That moment revealed how much I had grown. There was conscious growth, as I had taken it on as a full time activity from the time we broke up, up until that moment of reunion. So, change in general- not a surprise. But, energetically, hearing all of what had happened from the only other person that was there, and still feeling so grateful for the experiences and grateful that he was okay- it was surprising somehow.

Another thing I had not anticipated was what this strong, direction shifting experience would help me to see about the other characters in my life. In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie explains in her classic voiceover style that, it is in comparing one relationship to others past, that we decide how “good” it is. I don’t know how universally true that is, but being around my ex, who I have no real intention of being with again, for just a couple days, made all the guys I knew in Zipolite look less than desirable. If I remember correctly, my thought was, “What the fuck am I doing?”

The depth of humanity, of seeing another person change, of witnessing their life, cast a shadow on the shallow relationships I had there. It helped me see that I was looking for something that was not in those people. I say this with respect.

And I died.

The fear, the “needing”, the sadness. It died. Instantly. And I stopped pretending that I was anything less that what I am and I never looked back. All this under a Scorpio Super Moon.

Thank you, Zipolite.