Metanoia

heaven on earth metanoia album music art

I wrote, produced, and recorded my second EP, one month after the first. I have no training. I am self taught. I am self driven. Listen if you like, or don’t if you don’t like. My Life is the same. But, I am grateful for the opportunity to share it with those souls who appreciate it. I Love You and I See YOU.

I also would like to use this opportunity to express how much I love myself, before I move on to the next thing. I do all of this on my own. I run this website. I produce my own music. I film and edit my own videos. Artwork. Concepts. Everything. I am not surrounded by friends. I don’t have conversations with people everyday. I am mostly alone. And at the same time, I am running 24-30 miles a week, doing Tai Chi, meditating and reading to better myself. There is no outside motivation. No emotional support. I don’t say this to complain. I say this to recognize for myself that although others don’t recognize what I do, I see and respect myself. And I won’t stop, because my life isn’t about others accepting me. My life is what I make of it. I was born into such darkness of abuse, neglect, manipulation, exploitation and I am so grateful that I have managed, with the help of the words and stories of humans who came before me, to pull myself out of the darkness. To love myself. To believe in myself. And to keep going, even when I am met with silence. This Life is for me and in the same way that If you walk up to a tree and call it stupid, the tree doesn’t lose any value, the tree still the same, if you ignore me or think of me as lacking value, my value hasn’t changed, you just aren’t seeing it. And that has nothing to do with me.

I Love You.

Then What?

What this life truly is, I am not certain of, on a conscious level. We have been told so many stories, whisper down the lane from, let’s say the time the pyramids were built, till now, some 5,000 years. The attempt to influence us is incessant. And sometimes we are not aware of our own intentions moment to moment, let alone those of others. Each and every one of us has a unique understanding of what is happening. We are all living in different worlds that have some basic, shared understandings. That is over 300 million worlds in the “US” alone.

Patterns seem to have a grip on this reality. Cycles. The planet making its tours around the sun. The moon and its phases. Cyclical weather. It goes on and on. So much so that we base society on these cycles. And what of our personal cycles? What rule do they have over our subconscious minds? And what of those who have managed to ascend to a place that grants them a broader view of this life? How are they influencing society, knowing they are conscious of things you are unconscious of?

Questions.

Inside of us, there is a compass, that is unspoken. After all, spoken language is something that has been installed in us. It does not exist in nature. It was someone else’s idea and it has been put in your head against your will, in order to navigate society. But, before spoken language, our ancestors must have had a way of hearing, seeing, understanding the intuition we have all experienced on various levels. For them, was this intuition clearer, since they were, I imagine, less distracted than we are? These people managed to survive, be innovative, and create without the luxuries you demand today.

Places didn’t have names and there were no Google reviews of the grassy fields they encountered, warning them of what was there. They discovered on their own. What are you discovering on your own? Whose Life are you living?

Recently, I remembered; we are living on the same rock that The Bible speaks of. This is the same place. Water. It was here back then too. The same water. With the “story” of the world being taught to us in institutions, we think of it as this distant thing. As though it were another place. It was not. This is the same place and you are no different from the people that were around when the pyramids were built. You are their children. Have you forgotten?

You are not an American, an Indian, a Mexican… you are the fruit of this planet that exists without a name. It requires no name. Just like you. You are not all of these ideas. These ideas came into existence to help easily point to an experience you are having, not to define you. Have you ever heard the saying, “you can’t get wet from the word water?” These names and ideas; gay, straight, black, white, introvert, extrovert they are symbols pointing to experiences that are constantly changing. What would happen if you thought of them as such?

You are unlimited.

Think on that.

Unlimited.

Without limit.

You know all the people that have done things we deem extraordinary? Extraordinary: outside the normal course of events. Like olympians, inventors, philosophers, artists and such. They are you. What if you saw them as a reminder of what you can do, when you step outside the normal course of action?

Then what?

Are You?

Do you remember feeling that a role in a conversation, a joke, a performance, or an attitude was just so delicious? That embodying whatever you were embodying was so interesting, satisfying, and curious – even to you; the the medium through which this expression was realized? Can you recall the feeling of playing, in everyday life? At the convenience store? In the cab? On the phone with customer service?

I can certainly recall some delicious moments, when I chose to do exactly what interested me, regardless of societal protocol. These moments feel charged with energy and potential and they call our co-conspirators to play along with us. Doesn’t it seem that more often than not, people are willing to play with you?

What does it feel like, to make fun, play, enjoyment; the creation of delicious moments, a priority?

Are you willing to play?

Are you?

harald martin ferber

yes.

I Don’t Wanna Play You No More (Heartless)

Hey everyone! You know I love music. I put this together yesterday and I am so grateful for the opportunity to share it with you. Listen and nod you head, dance a little, enjoy your life, because you are a magnificent expression of all that is and I love you.

In honor of Aaliyah

The beat: “Are You That Somebody”

-Aaliyah, prod by Timbaland

Vocals: “Still Not a Playa” “Heartless” “Too Late”

Big Pun, Joe, The Weeknd

Remix: H.O.E.

Dear Stranger: Make It!

I initially wrote this song 5 years ago to motivate myself. And recently, I rerecorded the song and my love for it has been reawakened. We can Do, Be, and Have anything we can imagine. It truly is a matter of belief. The Universe consistently reminds me of this and I would like to pass it along.

The song, “Make It,” appears on the EP, Veritas, which I recently released. All music and editing was done by me, using free clips from Pexels.com to take the video places I have yet to visit. Tell me how the song/video makes you feel and listen to the rest of the songs from Veritas on Spotify and all other streaming platforms.

Zipolite, Vol IV: Death

I hadn’t been to a nude beach before 2017. My boyfriend at the time suggested we go, I was interested, and so we went. It was actually one of our last days staying at Hevan, when Chris suggested we move to Berlin together. Berlin… where we eventually broke up.

Coming back to Zipolite on my own was one of many steps in realizing I can do anything. Not because it is so “difficult.” I mean, emotionally. I can be alone in a place that feels so far from the rest of the world, where I am relying heavily on my second language, where, even beyond language, I am not certain that anyone would understand me. I can do this. I knew it, instinctively before, and after 7 months in Zipolite, I now have first hand experience.

What I wasn’t aware of, in my conscious mind, was how I would handle running into my ex-boyfriend after having left him 4 years before in Berlin. But, sure enough, as I sat down at a table for breakfast, there he was. I was sitting when I heard someone say, “no puede ser.” I looked up and saw someone and I felt something, but I didn’t see him… I mean to say, I clearly saw that a person was there, his face was clear, and yet my mind went blank. No thoughts at all. And yet my body started standing. I still wasn’t thinking, no name came to mind. It was clearly him, but this was the depth of the shock I was experiencing. My past time with him was one of my most rewarding and painful experiences. And here we both were, back in Zipolite, four years later.

No one owes me anything and I participate in all my experiences, so I don’t look for apologies. I instead find forgiveness within, for me and for others. And I had already forgiven myself for the beliefs I had, that led to those thoughts, that led to those actions I chose to take back then. And I had completely forgiven him, as well. For. Everything.

So, when we had dinner, to catch up, the following night, I was surprised to hear apologies leaving his mouth. I didn’t need them. And yet, there they were… in abundance. All the moments he mentioned, I remembered very well. And although at the time, there was so much energy encouraging me to give in, and make this behavior normal, I left. Because I trusted myself. Even thought the energy I was in back then, was centered around doubt and the fear of being alone. I found the courage to leave. And now, after four years apart, he is sorry.

My ego said, I don’t need this, but my heart said, “Thank you.” That moment revealed how much I had grown. There was conscious growth, as I had taken it on as a full time activity from the time we broke up, up until that moment of reunion. So, change in general- not a surprise. But, energetically, hearing all of what had happened from the only other person that was there, and still feeling so grateful for the experiences and grateful that he was okay- it was surprising somehow.

Another thing I had not anticipated was what this strong, direction shifting experience would help me to see about the other characters in my life. In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie explains in her classic voiceover style that, it is in comparing one relationship to others past, that we decide how “good” it is. I don’t know how universally true that is, but being around my ex, who I have no real intention of being with again, for just a couple days, made all the guys I knew in Zipolite look less than desirable. If I remember correctly, my thought was, “What the fuck am I doing?”

The depth of humanity, of seeing another person change, of witnessing their life, cast a shadow on the shallow relationships I had there. It helped me see that I was looking for something that was not in those people. I say this with respect.

And I died.

The fear, the “needing”, the sadness. It died. Instantly. And I stopped pretending that I was anything less that what I am and I never looked back. All this under a Scorpio Super Moon.

Thank you, Zipolite.

Zipolite, Vol III: POV

Heaven on earth

One day, I was at my place, waiting for the afternoon heat to dissipate. I had music playing and was singing along, when I heard a knock at the door. I was not expecting anyone and with this surprise, came urgency on my end, to answer the door, out of curiosity. Because I was naked, I just opened the door enough to peek my head out and when I did, I saw that it as my friend who was knocking and in an attempt to quickly escape the sun, when I began opening the door, he immediately walked in. And for a moment, I was embarrassed, “I am sorry, I am naked I didn’t expect anyone.” To which he responded, “cool” and gave me a hug and continued on, like nothing was happening. Then I remembered…. I’m in Zipolite.

One morning, I went running and saw all the morning regulars, and because Zipolite is a tourist destination, every now and again, there is a rush of new people. This was one of those mornings. A beautiful man, about my age, was running the opposite way as me, which is ideal, because each lap, we would have a new chance to glance at each other. I honestly couldn’t believe how beautiful he was, not in the commercial sense, but in the human sense. I was excited when I started my final lap, to see him again. But, as I ran, there was no sight of him. “Hmmmm,” I thought. I got to the end of the beach, my run now finished, and there he was, in the water. I felt an urge to speak to him and to my surprise, as I walked toward him, he quickly started leaving the water… and not to come toward me. I chose not to take it personally, but I was surprised. That is, until saw his body once he exited the water. He had, by far, the biggest erection, I think I had ever seen in person and he ran to his shorts in the sand, quickly put them on and ran away. Easily, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

I only know of one restaurant in Zipolite that delivers; Salmastro. And when the heat was too much or I had a video to finish editing, I would order some delicious food from there, delivery. On one of these occasions, I heard the moto of the guy who always delivers as he was arriving and so I quickly went to get money, to pay him. My place was on the second floor and so he would walk up the stairs, which emptied onto a patio of sorts, and wait for me there. I got to the door, greeted him, took the food and placed it on the counter. I began counting the money and because he was at a lower height than me, as he was standing a few stairs lower, I noticed that he was looking at something on me. And when I looked down, I saw that my robe, which was tied closed had opened below the belt, exposing my penis. And he looked at it, like it was a tree or a rose and continued on, like nothing happened. And I felt the love of acceptance.

helP me get to one million streams of my neW eP, “veritas”. It’s free to listen. Check it out.

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Zipolite, Volume II: Puedes…

When I first arrived to Zipolite, I spoke to The Universe directly; “When I leave this place, I will be a completely different person. I am ready to learn what I need to learn to move closer to my highest self. I am ready. Challenge me.” It is worth noting that Zipolite, at times, feels like a vortex, one of those places on the planet with an open window to another dimension… or something like that. And it wasn’t long before my expansion would begin.

Nicolas is like no one I have ever met. I firs made his acquaintance, a 30 something from Chile, living in Zipolite. Physically, he resembles a gymnast who models on the side. Energetically, he is a son of God… The Universe… All That Is… WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT. His energy is strong, his spiritual evolution is evident, and his desire to play is inspiring.

One day Nicolas said to me, “I will help you with your back.” I had surgery for scoliosis, 19 years ago and while I am in impeccable physical condition, overall, there has been room for improvement in the area of flexibility, in my back. He first invited me to run with him from Zipolite to Mazunte; about a 5 mile run, with both inclines and heat combining to make a rather average distance, into a CHALLENGE. When we arrived in Mazunte, we headed straight for Punta Cometa, running off the road and through the trees, at full speed. Running down the cliff, jumping from rock to rock, until we got to the beach. Washed our bodies off, briefly, in the water, which is curiously silent until the moment the water comes in and what was previously a serene scene transforms for just a few seconds into something potentially violent.

We immediately jumped into a yoga session, which he led and afterwards, he headed in the water for a swim. Before Zipolite, I had not spent a great deal of time at the beach. And swimming was not on the top of my list of “Things to Do.” An experience, being knocked over by a wave at the age of 4, dampened my interest in the water, severely. So, I just watched Nicolas, as he so elegantly floated with the soft waves and violent crashes. Coming out of the water, he asked if I would like to join him. “Oh, I can’t really swim.” I replied. To which, he simply responded, “Puedes.”

Anytime I attempted to explain why I could not do something, Nicolas would respond with, “Puedes” and nothing more. And each time, I learned that I indeed, could. Our regular yoga sessions were right before sunset in Zipolite and I would participate, completely nude. Being naked while taking on challenges of will and dispelling fears can feel like a vulnerable experience, and that’s why I did it and I didn’t care who sat and watched as I stretched myself in ways that scared me. ME. And Nicolas would guide me, breathing through, and stretching further than I ever thought possible.

And something remarkable about my experiences with Nicolas, is that he was just a peer. Another guy, same age, similar interests, who said, “I am your friend, I am going to help you.” He didn’t judge me in moments of vulnerability, he was actual rather indifferent. It was as though, he knew what I had forgotten and would patiently wait for me to remember, “Puedes.”

This was also the most fraternal experience I had had since college. Somehow, it had been years since I had been around another guy who was confident, nurturing, into physical closeness, and not consumed with sex. I felt I could exhale around him and not worry that he was after something else. I remember standing in front of a mirror at his house and he was explaining an area of my body he thought was really developed, and because my Spanish is not 100% and he does not speak English at all, he came over, stood behind me (looking in the mirror) and pulled down my pants to point it out to me. And I melted. Just at finally having a friendship with this level of closeness, trust, and growing with another guy.

When we first met, I told Nicolas, “You have something that I would like to see in myself and I would like to be around you, so I can learn how.” And so I did. And to this day, whenever I have a doubt in my mind about my ability to do something, I hear his voice in my head, saying, “Puedes.”

listen to my new ep, “Veritas,” on spotify

Zipolite Volume I: Rituals

I lived in Zipolite, a rural nude beach in Oaxaca, Mexico for about 7 months. It was not my first time at a nude beach, but it is the longest I have stayed at one. I’ve been told there are at least three versions of each of us; the one we show the general public, the one we show loved ones, and the one we keep to ourselves. When I think of the truest version of me, that being is, in no way, afraid of nudity. In fact, this version of me embraces nudity, especially with peers. Nudity shared with peers feels like a rain of acceptance washing over you, sprinkled with curiosity, and limitless moments of beauty and expression. It’s exciting, beautiful, and “nothing going on here,” all at the same time.

It was clear to me that each day at the beach would help me expand, to fill the shoes, I am meant to wear in this world. So, like many, I rose with the sun each morning, around 6am. I would walk through the rural beach town, from my place to the beach, in nothing but bikini briefs, no shoes. This daily ritual alone summoned a feeling of being part of nature; your feet constantly touching the earth, the majority of your body fully exposed on the street (nudity is only permitted on the actual beach), and often times, seemingly very modest locals, showering you with glances. You feel the rawness of what you are doing, you feel that the confidence you develop from this isn’t always common. You begin to realize yourself.

Meditation (Zipolite, Oaxaca, Mexico) Photo: ELIE VILLETTE

Once I arrived at the beach each morning, I would run in my bikini briefs, up and down the beach… over and over, for at least an hour. So, as everyone in the town would rise and make their way to the beach, at some point, I ‘d say about 50-60% of the town would cross my path, coming out to watch the sunrise, doing yoga, going for their morning stroll, laughing with friends. And this community of early risers, served as my witnesses, it is as though, they all silently agreed to help me in this expansion, simply by being observers.

After I finished running, I would go to Playa del Amor, which is a more secluded part of the beach, known for being the place where the gays hang out the most during the day, and not all coincidentally, the place where public sex happens nearly each night, like a ritual. In the mornings, however, there were far fewer people and typically, the vibe was very chill. So, I would go there, and completely disrobe. There would be 3-4 men there, at that time of morning, sitting by the rocks that form a cul de sac, whose mouth is where the sea meets the land. Everything beyond the rocks, where (typically, but not exclusively) men sat, was a stage. You were being observed by all, in all your glory. I would like to note that the vibe of this beach was also very chill and accepting, but of course their was an underlying arousal of excitement at so many beautiful, naked bodies running around together.

When I disrobed, I would first walk out to the water to wash the sweat and sand off, from my run. And there is something to be said about being in what can feel like a vulnerable state; you’ve just run for an hour, you are out of breath, at this point, you are the only one who isn’t just sitting and everybody is watching you. I chose to embrace it. It felt powerful. What did I care? What did they care? I knew I loved seeing people being their beautiful, natural selves and I imagined that others did the same. Then, I would find a nice place in the sand and begin my 20 minute stretch routine, completely naked. Guys would, of course, watch and at other moments, they would completely forget about me and it is the combination of those two things, that felt so beautiful. Of course, you want to see. I want to see. But, also, it’s whatever. It’s not a big deal. I loved that. Many times guys would begin their own, naked morning routine alongside me, which provided a silent feeling of belonging and comradery.

I saw men catch erections at the beach while running, sleeping, and just getting excited from talking to someone. And it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Casual public erections that were treated like the temporary, natural body functions they are. It was as though, I began to see life, beyond society. Life, out in the world. In Nature. Everyone was kind, accepting and curious. This daily ritual served as the foundation for my self acceptance and my choice to bask in the awe of nature. And to allow myself to be seen. Not hiding behind identities and brands and zip codes and degrees, but rather showing up as a being on this planet, just as confused, excited, curious, and aroused as everyone else on the planet. I started getting closer and closer to merging the version of myself I show the public, with the version of myself I had previously, never shown anyone.

This morning routine is just the tip of the iceberg. As you can imagine, living at a nude beach in Mexico that is specifically known for being a haven to those who don’t deny their homo-erotic desires, meeting people from all over the world, beautiful men and their bodies, their personalities, their ways of expressing themselves….. anyway, I will share more about all of that, in this series.

Until next time…

h.o.e.

Listen to my new EP, “Veritas,” streaming now on SPotify

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