The time has arrived for me to express my gratitude for two individuals who make my relationship with San Francisco sweeter, day by day:
Nicki Jizz
and
Vivvyanne ForeverMore
Not one individual has showered me with more love, booked me for more gigs, and publicly expressed their admiration for my work, than these two lovely ladies. And it is no doubt, because they love and respect themselves, they are able to do the same for others. Neither gains anything from showing me so much love, and yet my life is enhanced each moment I am near them, and for this, I am forever grateful.
I have only ever dedicated videos to these lovely ladies and I would like to take a moment to expound on the choices I so specifically made to honor them.
There is no soul in San Francisco who has a better grip on wit and sarcasm than Vivvy. Her command of humor casts a shadow so great, that for half the year, San Francisco is cloudy and gloomy. Her humor is often at her own expense, which only someone of great humility is able to succeed at. It is for this reason, I decided to elevate my number for Vivvy to a place of high regard; The Opera. Vivvy also has booked me for Drag Alive so frequently, that I owe my success in the city to her and the platform that she gave and continues to give me to share my love with the world.
The background for this video is actually an image of The Academy of Music, located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. About a decade ago, I began work there as a silent actor in numerous operas. And because Vivvy has a background in performance that lives far beyond “the bar”, I thought it an appropriate location to both honor her and pay homage to my past experiences on the stage.
About a week before I began work on the video, I re-watched the 1948 film classic, The Red Shoes. It is easily one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces ever. In the film, we are reminded of the role of The Maestro, something that I was able to see first hand both in school and in my time working with Opera Philadelphia. It is for this reason, I decided to include this character throughout the entire video.
The song choice may seem obvious, “Gimme More” for Vivvyane ForeverMore. However, allow me to elaborate on this choice. The song, “Gimme More” is one of the greatest pop songs ever. Period. Thank you Danja and Britney Spears for the work you did on this one. And Vivvy is one of my favorite people ever. Period. If one listens closely to the lyrics, it becomes clear, that it discusses one’s relationship with the outside world. When people see you in your natural habitat, being your authentic self, they often become so enamored with you and what you are doing that it “feels like the crowd is saying, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. MORE!” It can initially feel rewarding, the attention. But, with time, the crowd begins to believe it has some ownership over you and it transforms from a request, to a demand. Vivvy, for about a year, was doing what I consider to be a public service, by providing us with Drag Alive; an opportunity for artists to focus on their work in a time when focusing on other things, may not have been so healthy. At the same time, giving the crowd something to talk about. After all, there’s only two types of people in the world; the ones who entertain and the ones who observe. I imagined that Vivvy was beginning to feel the “gimme gimme” of the work she was doing and so, I wanted to express that. At the same time, there was a bit of blatant negativity from one or two places, I was experiencing about my work. They will remain un-named, but the general feeling in response to my work and it being celebrated, was “big deal, who are you? stop taking yourself so seriously.” And at the time I felt, oh, “if they want more, well I’ll give them more,” as a response. For these reasons, I chose the song.
The mix for the song, I also made. It is a combination of 3 versions of the song “Gimme More” and a ceremonial Indian song. The initial idea behind the mix, was a community summoning the spirit of Cleopatra, who they felt deserved a second go at it, if you will. The first minute of the song, is the ceremony; Shamans beating the ground and sacrificing themselves, using this energy as a portal for her to come through and set them niggas straight, which she does.
I have yet to meet a person who lives as authentically as Nicole Paige Jizz, Ms. Jizz if you nasty (you are). The first time I saw her, I was visiting San Francisco from Mexico City and she stood out…. BY FAR. I needn’t explain, but her energy, the looks, the butt drop! No one does it like she does it. Her personality is bigger than life, but what is even more surprising is the general feeling of Love and the sweetness I feel from her. In a WORLD OF PRETENDERS, in THE AGE OF POSERS, she is THE REAL DEAL. Aside from that, in 2019, she asked me to perform back up for her on the mainstage at Pride. She could have asked anyone, but she asked me. I remember setting the intention to be the greatest shadow for her, that I could be. And in a scene where most queens aim at casting shade, it was a privilege to choose to be the shadow for someone shinning so brightly.
I am blessed to have something in common with Nicki. You see her tagline;
Hoe is not a phase, Hoe is…..
LIFE!
Can be heard echoing wherever she goes and HOE happens to be the acronym for Heaven on Earth. And I will never forget the first time she used her own tagline to shine the spotlight on me, H.O.E., after one of my performances. So I decided to make the ultimate H.O.E. remix for her birthday show, something she and I could share. When I think of Nicki, I think of an honest expression of feminine sexual energy and so I went for Lil Kim. The original Queen B. The original Hoe. The Original. But, it wasn’t enough to do just that. So, I decided to root the song, “How Many Licks?” ft Sisqo (Drag King for days) in its own reference, the Tootsie Pop commercial from 1982, to give it a classic feel, like many rap songs do (a la Drake and Kanye). And because Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott is the only other artist that expresses her sexuality so eloquently, it seemed like an obvious choice to use the instrumental for “Minute Man” to enhance “How Many Licks?”
I could have easily made myself as pretty as possible for the video and been half naked, but I didn’t want to put all the focus on myself. It was more interesting for the video to be centered around both Nicki and the mix. It is for this reason, I decided to wear one of her “Jizz” shirts throughout the entire video. I also covered my own face, but used the classic Heaven wig to do so, so one is always reminded that I am there. The makeup for the scenes that do show my face, were modeled after Kali, a Tantric Hindu Goddess. I thought, “how great would it be to connect rap, with the gods”. It helps the shallow mind think deeper about what Lil Kim is saying and the power of her sexuality. A power I see in Nicki.
“Designer pussy; my shit come in flavors. High Class taste, niggas got to spend paper”
Sounds a little different when you imagine the voice as a goddess, doesn’t it?
There is even more symbolism in the video, but I will spare you the details, or we would be here all day. But, because Nicki is so special, I decided to go into my abstract pocket, to make it feel more like an Art Video, which it is, as opposed to… some video. And it was my honor to dedicate this video to her and to have something that eternally connects us.
Both these videos were made as birthday gifts, which I believe also served as an energetic offering to The Universe to enhance their legacies.
Lady Liberty has been faced with her own reflection and now must choose; stay the same or face the ego. She is swept away to the land of Oz, where her strongest qualities personified assist her in this duel.
In learning about herself, LL has come to understand how much of what she boasts to be unique to her land, comes at the cost of others, is borrowed or stolen, and is not welcoming to all. It was for this reason I chose to begin the video with Tere Mere Beech Mein. The song, from the Bollywood film Ek Duuje Ke Liye, served as inspiration forToxic, unbeknownst to most who celebrate it. It speaks on the appropriation, lack of acknowledgement for said appropriation, and the ostracization of those who culture is borrowed from.
The Wizard of Oz serves as a backdrop. In my mind, the film centers around one’s personal development and some degree of “enlightenment”. The Tinman, Scarecrow, and Lion all serving as areas where once Dorothy felt scarcity (heart, wisdom, courage), but through facing fears, she is shown that she has had them all along. May we all come to that realization for ourselves.
The Wicked Witch serving as the ego; the aspect of one that attempts to keep them in a perpetual state of fear and hesitation. Facing the ego is a path to growth for us all. May you one day brave that journey, my friend.
SBCNSLY is one those songs that when I heard it, I felt the spirit of instant recognition. Before I even knew what this song was about, I knew it was me. A story came rushing to my mind, one not fully apparent in the video (which I enjoy), and I would like to share that story with you. It feels… It is… personal.
My initial idea consisted of a woman at a celebration of sorts, perhaps somewhere in South America. In my mind, it was Brazil. And she was enjoying herself, dancing and laughing during a festival. This was a big festival, one that everyone looked forward to. And she was the belle of all balls. To watch her dance and laugh, was to be inspired.
In all her joy, she turned around to see her significant other kissing someone else. And, feeling so hurt, she was unable to allow herself to accept that it happened, to show any signs of acknowledgement. Although, it slowly becomes apparent to all.
So, she continued dancing… Forever. She never stops, because she knows if she stops, she must face this reality. And so she dances her way out of the festival, down the street, across the city, for all eternity. Smiling and dancing. She becomes mythological. Everyone knows her story. It’s perhaps the first story children are ever told. And she does all this, to keep from feeling the inevitable pain.
For me, this represented a fear that has always lingered in my mind. One that I will someday face. Increasingly people are beginning to accept the idea of an open relationship and I always feared that my partner would find someone of greater privilege and social ranking and fall in love with it. Not them, but the access, the visibility, etc and leave me. This is not an original fear, but has shown its face here and there. But, I plan to face this fear head on, when that day comes.
Being in quarantine, having a film crew of just me, and having the time restraint of about 24 hours, I decided to simplify, to adjust the story. And so it became a combination of hers and mine. For me, it was about the fear of vulnerability. Just as the song… songs. I imagined myself in a wedding dress on my wedding day, wondering if I could actually do it. Be myself. Be goofy. Be focused. Be loving. Be Me. And be accepted by this person. Truly accepted, or would, upon seeing all that is me, they begin to judge me and turn me into their enemy. I imagined being so frightened of this, that I became a giant, out of pure frustration, looking out over the city, watching people, wondering how any of them manage to be so vulnerable. And the backup dancers, I imagine were her. The beautiful woman from Brazil, coming to support me in my lament.
May we all face our illusory fears and grow into that which we are truly meant to be.
“You’ll hit gold more often if you simply try out a lot of things.” ― Ira Glass
The renewable resource that, for all my life, has fueled the vehicle that drives me, is the search for GOLD. And so, I have tried a lot of things and found gold here and there, but mostly gold plated rocks. But, that doesn’t stop me, because I know gold is out there. But, after losing friends, feeling trapped and suicidal, and watching “family” become more and more distant, I began to wonder, “is there gold in here? within me?”Every teaching I have encountered tells me that I must first see what I desire within myself before I can see it without. And so, I began a quest inward, to discover the natural resources that lay hidden in the fields of my inner world, that no military force could ever excavate or monetize. And along this inward journey, I was surprised to see ideas from the outside world.
“Your best isn’t good enough”
“I don’t date black people.”
“I’ll fucking kill you, you stupid f****t”
I found that my fields were filled with weeds, draining the nutrients of the soil of my soul and keeping my flowers of love from reaching their full potential. And this was no coincidence. You see, years ago, as a child, I asked the universe to guide me towards expansion, growth, enlightenment. And as Abraham Hicks says, “you always get what you want.” I got it; a never ending parade of lessons; growth in wolf’s clothing, as Robin Sharma would say. Initially, I took to victim-hood. “Why is this happening to me?” With time, I began to see patterns, I also began to see how this idea of being a victim would often keep my from doing things that I KNEW would help me. A clear solution would stare me in the face and all I could think was, “someone help me,” when it was I who needed to help myself. So, for once, I decided to tend to my own garden, rather than wait for some sexy gardener to take interest in my fields. I used tho only tool I could find, a HOE.
Google’s definition of “hoe”
HOE or Heaven on Earth is a state of mind, that helps one to see more clearly that which is dis-empowering and drains your resources (weeds) in order to consciously remove them and actively care for and focus on, that which empowers you (flowers). Initially, I scratched the surface and was amazed by the results I found, the short-lived results. Changing the words I used during self-talk, becoming more and more aware of my self-limiting beliefs, they were just the beginning. If I wanted true change, I had to get these weeds by the root. So, I stopped. Everything.
I stopped watching TV, I stopped drinking alcohol, I stopped smoking, I stopped having sex, I stopped watching porn, I stopped masturbating, I even stopped fantasizing. I stopped focusing on changing things and started focusing on being something completely different. I imagined that person I always hoped I’d become; what he looked like, how he thought of himself in relation to the world around him, the compassion he had for others, how he expressed Love. And I decided to stop waiting for him to appear and just do it. Now. In ever situation, I’d ask, How would my future self see this situation? He has tons of insight. How would my future self transform this narrative into something more helpful? What environment would my future self put himself in, that would be conducive to growth? And that being, my future self, would travel in time, from the future to the present and show up in situations as myHero.
He showed me to have compassion for those who aimed at hurting me, because just as I am learning how much my conditioning is shaping me, so too are they. Their lack of Love is not about you, it is about them and it can only hurt you if you take it personally. Have compassion.
He showed me that if I don’t want to swim, don’t get in the water. Why continue to put yourself in an environment that hasn’t learned to respect you? Go elsewhere.
He showed me one my greatest tools; focus. Where you attention goes, energy flows. Be mindful of where you place said attention, in your thoughts, in your actions, and be mindful of that which aims to distract you. Distraction is the vice of Focus. So, what are you really gaining from the distraction of meaningless sex, likes on Instagram, notifications on your phone? You are gaining distractions.
Future me is the hero I have been waiting for my entire life. It’s only that I hadn’t realized he was inside me this entire time. The past few years have seen me in, what some may call, extreme isolation. This was the only way for me to discover what is me and what is noise. And now, I believe, The Universe is conspiring to align me with those vibrating at a similar frequency . Those who, like me, tended to their own gardens and found within them, GOLD.
Every person you experience is a computer. A moving computer. And just like the one sitting on your desk, each of these computers is running programs like Windows Media Player, Safari, Photoshop, etc. The programs on your at-home desk computer are standard. They are exactly the same (for the most part) across the board. But, with the people you experience, these programs are NOT the same, as these programs are not installed from one source, but rather a myriad of sources with varying belief systems or, for our purposes here, laws. For example, the program “love” has been installed in most of us, if not all of us. But, the features and capabilities of this program differ depending on the updates you personally have gotten and those updates come from your surroundings, the influence of media, and the degree to which you listen to your intuition, among many, many other things most notably, “emotional events”.
So, when James tells Isiah, “I love you”, to the unaware computer, there is one story happening here and in media, it would most likely show us this under one lens, a lens we often subconsciously confuse with our own, but, we will get to that later. Perhaps, Isiah’s program, “love”, interprets this to mean, I want to be in a romantic relationship with you and express my love through sex. While James may intend to express, “I see your value and am so grateful to experience you.” The computer that is you uses context, fear, and many other factors to draw up a reality in each situation. As we see, with Isiah and James, that reality is not universal, but rather, personal. And in an effort to under-simplify this, there are infinite variations to this.
So, each of us computers has hundreds, thousands of programs running and none of them interpret our experiences exactly the same using the same “laws”. As you can imagine, this can lead to some real confusion. But, fret not, my friend. Each of us computers also come with another program. We will call it, the “likeness” program. And this program acts as a magnet. It sends out signals to all computers, this signal is not received by the conscious part of the computer, the “you” that you believe you are, but rather, by the unconscious part; the part that keeps you breathing, the part that releases saliva when you chew, and the part that even drives for you when you are not paying attention. And this signal is your…. let’s call it, “vibration”. Constantly, your computer is broadcasting a vibration, calculated by the laws of the programs you are running, or what people often call, your “belief system.” And your computer is always looking for a vibrational match, which is a spectrum as opposed to one possible vibration, because remember, as we stated earlier, there are infinite programming possibilities, like what we saw with James and Isiah. Your computer is aware that surrounding itself with other computers of similar enough programming means interaction with these computers will have more ease. And it is for this reason, that you find yourself surrounded by people you “like”. You think it is your personal taste, when really, it is the “likeness” program effectively running…. your life.
From Google
It’s so interesting how we are all influenced by programs we don’t even know we are running, right? It almost seems as though, our lives are automated. Well, to a degree, they are. As a new computer, you are sent to a programming center, for our purposes, we will call that center a “school”. And there you are introduced to programs like, justice, friendship, nation, etc. And over the course of your life, you keep updating these programs or “maturing” and they change. The idea you had of “justice” as a five year old computer, is not the same as the one you hold now, because it has been updated. And while you are conscious of some of this (less than you think), most of this happens without your awareness. But……. you’ve guessed it! There’s a catch. You see each computer requires harmony for it to function properly. Can you imagine how you would feel if you actually felt that you were not in control, but rather that you were being influenced by everything around you? You are, but that doesn’t matter. It just matters what your computer allows the conscious part, the “you” that you think you are, to believe. So! Your computer has another feature we call, “Choice”. But, it’s not what you think it is….
From Google
Choice is not a matter of selecting or making a decision. But, rather of making you feel you have made the decision. A quality decision, to boot. Like when a parent manipulates a child into agreeing to watch a movie, that otherwise the child would have no interest in. Or when someone asks you, “do you like Pepsi or Coke?” You believe, in that moment, you are deciding, because that is the function of the program, Choice, running in your computer. But, really, over the years, your computer has been influenced by the likes of Britney Spears commercials, parental choices, and an algorithm of “taste” developed over years of consuming whatever it is your computer consumes the most of. So, when the question is presented, your computer knows the answer is Pepsi, but the program Choice runs “options” and “thinking” to help you further identify with the final choice; Pepsi. A
Now, listen, your computer doesn’t want to betray you, to “lie” to you. It’s more of a white lie (your understanding of “white lie” is deeply embedded in your programming, given what you’ve learned “white” to be). You see, your computer wants you to be the best you can be. But, it believes the best way for you to get there, is gradual change that you can’t see, because it notices how you react to abrupt changes in definition or information, we will call this detail Meta. For example, your significant other is cheating on you. The computer that is you knows this is true the moment it happens, because the moment it happened it became part of your partner’s signal, the one, their Likeness program is broadcasting, their vibration. And your computer has picked this up. Over the years, it has used your past experiences as a sort of retro-active simulation. For example, when your parents were splitting up, they did it slowly; they argued, one parent left for a few days, they stopped talking etc. And so, when the day came, that your parents told you, “honey, we are getting a divorce,” you were not surprised and you handled it “well” or in a way that is not dis-empowering. But, when your best friend in middle school told you they were moving to another state, they day before said move was to take place, your conscious reaction was not empowering. Looking at this information, Meta decides not to release this information all at once, it instead, introduces suspicion, doubt, and questions. And slowly, your computer closes the program “love”, that is being run from your computer to that of your partner’s so that you accept the inevitable update. IF, that falls in line with what your computer believes it should do, its programming. There are infinite possibilities to this. Your belief system or programming may desire to be “wronged” in this way and unbeknownst to you, or subconsciously, looks for relationships where this might happen. Why?
Remember, the computer that is you wants you to be the best you can be, while at the same time, comfortable. So it looks at your programming and it sees updates that are helpful, more empowering. And remember that the Choice program is always running, giving you the illusion of choice. So, what it does is, it puts you in situations that make the growth (updates) it has already decided it will make, necessary. So, if when your parents got divorced, you slowly developed a sense of abandonment and the computer that is you has decided that this feeling of abandonment, which perhaps was useful at the time, helping you to place blame somewhere to help manage a feeling of loss in your less mature years, is no longer useful at this adult stage of computer-hood, it looks for a simulation to enter you into, so that you can make this “conscious” decision to change. You begin broadcasting the signal, “people abandon me” and when you met your partner, they were broadcasting the signal, “I abandon people”. These signals are the same (opposites are complimentary and essentially the same, in the way that dark exists, by definition, because light exists and vice versa, without the one, the other would not exist and so they are the same). The simulation began, all the while, the computer that is you, knew what the end result would be; you “learning” to get past your fear of abandonment. The update was set to happen, it just needed you to feel responsible. Choice. But, it’s not a one way street, because, the computer that is your partner was ready to update as well. The simulation you both entered into is intended to be mutually beneficial. So that you both can make updates to your programs – two computers, one relationship. It’s just the Choice program that wants you to believe that you are responsible, to keep you invested in what is essentially, one giant simulation. So, it created an emotional situation that gave you two choices; stay in this undesirable situation or make this one change, this one update and “grow”. And your conscious resistance to the program that is you is what dictates how long it will take you to accept this update, but it’s already there. And to influence you more, your brain introduces suffering. Fear is what happens when the laws of your programs say, “the result we do not want, is the one we believe will come to pass”. But, the computer that is you, knows that’s not true. But, the only way it can make change is through updating. So with Choice and Meta running, the computer that is you introduces a monster. It is the “source” of your suffering or your fear projected onto something. And in the same way that a mentor might be hard on you, solely in an attempt to get you to learn to push back against them, This monster and the corresponding simulation are designed to give you something to overcome, behind which lies your update or growth. And because the programs Meta and Choice, require what we mentioned before, you feel a sense of victory, of earning on a conscious level, when in “reality” the computer that is you has orchestrated the entire experience to keep you from a shock to your system that would interrupt your entire experience. And to make you feel you have earned it. You might ask, “how does the computer that is me know what updates to pursue?” Well, it listens to the conscious you. You are constantly shown options for what you could be. Every person you meet, every character you see in some sort of programming (they call it programming for a reason) calls you to answer “yes” or “no”. Yes, I would like be physically fit, no I would not like sail the open sea. And the computer that is you hears all of this, it is always listening to what conscious you says, and it creates a graph that ranks what it believes to be most important to you, based on the emotion you have attached to it, and it calls these ideas, “goals”. The computer that is you calculates your current status and what it would take for you to reasonably accept the changes it would take to get you where you want to be and that’s how it decides what signal to broadcast in order to invite people and experiences into your life that, following the laws of Meta and Choice, make you feel responsible for your gradual, inner change. And when you consciously align with this goal, the computer that is you, goes into overdrive, even altering your tolerance for pain, vision, and various other factors to make it easier for you to achieve this goal. (More information on this can be read in The Upward Spiral, by Alex Korb) This may sound somewhat simple, but it gets a bit more complex. You see, although the conscious you wants these changes, it can still resist them, even with Meta and Choice running. And when you resist these changes, you experience stress or the inability to accept reality. The feeling that corresponds with this experience is supposed to be similar to rumble strips or sleeper lines, growlers; the raised pieces of asphalt on the side of the road that communicate to you, that you are driving off the road. When you feel stress, you are driving off the road. You are resisting the updates the computer that is you is making and the easiest way to end it, is to accept it. But, as we computers continue to develop a world of unnatural comfort, free of even the healthiest of stresses, our conscious selves resist these stresses even more. This is why most computers in this existing society are “unhappy”. They have found comfort in their “reality” and do not wish to change, the one thing your inner computer never stops doing.
Now, let’s introduce the internet. The internet allows computers from all over the world to communicate with each other at a speed that we will refer to as “instantly’. Now, remember, the Likeness program on your computer has settled itself in a community of similarly programmed computers, remembering that even “opposite” computers are similarly programmed. But, now, your computer can communicate with any computer, as though it is here, in its own community. Interesting, right? One thing that causes conflict is a difference in reality. You see, the camera on your computer, or your eyes, only use 10% of what is physically before it tor produce the image you see or “sight”, the rest is rendered by your brain in real time (Hear Donald Hoffman discuss this further). It is for this reason that, last night, when you were on a stroll through your neighborhood, you stopped and began walking slowly as you saw what you thought to be a small dog. The computer that is you ran all sorts of simulations; the dog is lost, the dog is dangerous. the dog is your neighbors, the dog is crazy, etc. And as you slowly arrived at the dog, you saw that it was a brown bag and not a dog at all. Your camera system, which we will no use to refer to your eyes and the mechanisms in your computer that create sight, saw something. It was dark and far way. It ran the possibilities, given context and past encounters on similar experiences, and came back with its best guess; dog. The thing is, the computer that is your brain does this in. ever. single. moment. Often, it is “right” and when we can all agree that the guesses are brains are making are the same, we say it is, “reality”.
Have you ever had this conversation with your friend?:
Should I wear the dress I wore last Saturday? The black one? No, it’s blue. That dress is definitely black. It’s blue! Most likely, neither of you is “right” it is most likely some color that neither of your camera systems are able to recognize and so, you both are seeing the best guess the computer that is you is making based on past color verification. Now, given what we have learned about our camera systems, how can this perceived “difference in reality” get in the way of communicating, existing, and understanding when connected to the internet? Well, this perceptual difference that shapes your reality goes beyond color and expands to literally everything, from; the meaning behind the tone someone is using, bias, humor, etc. Imagine you have traveled to another country and you are speaking with someone in your native language, their second, perhaps third language. And this person calls you “pathetic”. Based on what your programming has taught you, this word, is an insult, it is meant to harm you. But, according to their programming, which is actively translating this code from one language to another and using context from its own community far different than yours, what they are saying is, “how unfortunate for you”. Confusing, right?Imagine you are a person that is sexually attracted to “women” and you turn to a friend and say, “wasn’t her ass amazing?” And your friend responds and says, “I didn’t notice”. You are experiencing a difference in reality. You see, your friend is not sexually attracted to women and so does not quantify their beauty in the same way you have done. They have perhaps noticed her smile or how intelligent she is, thinking of her as a potential friend or business partner. You are experiencing different realities. Now imagine the following conversation with your friend: Let’s invite some people over for some drinks Yeah, I’ll text James. Cool, I’ll text Isiah. Who is Isiah? You know, James’ best friend. Who? His best friend, they are always together. Don’t know him. Yes, you do, you have seen him literally a million times. I don’t think so. You have, he’s handsome… tall… he’s black. Oh, the black guy. I mean, I guess we can invite me. You see your programming, as a “white” person has taught you that there is inherent value in being “white”. Hell, you are “white” And it has picked up on all the subtle differences in social capital that everyone has. This nose = $$$$ in social capital. This height equals -$ in social capital. The computer that is you has collected all this information over the course of your entire life (collected from interactions, exposure to media, etc) and created a profile of characteristics both physical and otherwise, that have the most social capital and interest to you. And just as mentioned earlier, when discussing goals, it discovers what is most beneficial to your social goal, based often in knowing what type of person you gain the most from knowing and being known to associate with and it blinds you to all other things to help you achieve your goal of associating with this type of person. It is for this reason, you did not remember Isiah, because the computer that is you decided he did not have value. In the same way, that you didn’t notice, that woman with a “nice ass” was accompanied by a friend, one you also did not assign value. But, remember, there are infinite possibilities to how this can play out depending on numerous factors. Let’s say you meet someone named Brian. The computer that is you runs an assessment and decides his worth.
Where are you from?
What do you do?
Where do you live?
Your brain has decided, “ehhh, I have nothing to gain from associating with this computer based off my understanding of his value and my projection of how the rest of the world values him. And then, your friend comes over and says, “Oh, I see you’ve met Brian. He’s how I got my invitation to this party. His dad is the CEO of Campbell Soup”
!!!
Suddenly, Brian has a lot of value. This is what conscious you will notice, but what it will not focus on is that initially you believed him to be of no value. You saw the color of his skin, you heard he lived in Camden, NJ, and that he worked as an intern. But, what you didn’t know is that he lives in Camden, because the successful business that his father runs, which he interns for, is located there.But, remember, this was no accident. The computer that is you knew that you had developed this unconscious bias, it also saw on the graph that it had created for your life, that you desire to be a major leader in the world and it calculated that the major change necessary to reach this goal, was to end your value system, unconscious to you, based on race. The computer that is Brain had developed a sensitivity to these sorts of experiences, which he encounters all the time. And he aimed to get past this, and so he broadcast the signal, “test me, to see if I have finally learned to stop taking it personally when someone decides I have no value based on the color of my computer”. And so, the two of you engaged in this rendezvous. The computers that are both of you have already made the updates, but needs you, based on the laws of the program Choice, to accept this new (to you) reality. If you do, you will experience a sense of growth and warmth and when you continue on in your journey, you will be grateful to have learned such a lesson for yourself. If not, you will continue to experience stress, each and every time you behave in this way, until you either learn, or cement yourself in a life of misery, caused by your inability to update (mature) and spend years wondering why you have this emptiness deep inside of you. And remember, the possibilities of laws, programs, beliefs, fears and the combinations of them are infinite making yours and everyone else’s path extremely unique. But, the goal is the same: Growth.
I am at a crossroads. I know that all things are possible, that I can do, be, and have anything that I desire. I understand that the way things look are not always indicative of how they will turn out. And yet, in this moment, I am feeling…. lost.
Money is almost gone and still no source of income, no home of my own, and no family. What will become of me?
I’ve climbed up, fallen back down, gotten back up again. And here I am again. How will I ever find stability? How will this situation transform into one of Love and abundance?
I sat up this morning thinking of ways to end my life. Because I felt like I just can’t do it anymore. I feel so alone. I have to leave my place on Sunday and I have nowhere to go. I felt so pitiful thinking these thoughts, so ungrateful. How dare I think these things when there are people who have fought for their lives.
Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. And I wonder if I will live to see it. I wonder if anyone cares. I tried talking to a friend, but it was like they just didn’t hear me, almost as though, they went deaf when I spoke of what was happening and then they just never addressed it. I wonder if I deserve this.
I pray, I meditate. I call out for help. It’s true, I have improved so much over they years; my beliefs, my thinking, my habits. I am a completely different person from ten years ago. My talents, my dedication. And as I grew, so did the way I saw the people in my Life. And slowly, I found myself all alone. For Peace. And I was doing fine. I even helped so many people. Like the child I sponsor in South America. What will become of him? I was helping to give him clean water and pay for his schooling. Now, I am not sure if I will be able to eat tomorrow.
To all of you, I say thank you for reading my blog and listening to my music. I pray that your life is filled with Love and Abundance. Do better than I did. Please.
Everyone I know wants me to die. It seems there is this agreement they have all made to be silent in my times of need. To slowly back away and when I turn to grab a tissue, dart out the door. The general public, upon glancing at me, decides I have no value and projects the idea that I aim to steal the only things they do value: the material. They project this like a nation of immigrants, saying “get those damn immigrants out of here.” Or a group of people known for raping and pilaging, crying, “they’re rapists.”It’s like a game of the head variety. Each level increasing in difficulty.
It is so much easier to care for those other faces, for those who also get their feet wet in the lake of alcohol, those with status, those who are already celebrated. Those, that by their shared agreement to turn equally away from the Light -just enough to enjoy the dark, but not enough that their own conscious deems them a monster- makes them feel better about themselves.
“I am not okay,” I told the Aquarian, fighting back tears in a call for HELP I rarely make. An opportunity she took to turn away even more. From me, the one who always listens and tries to help. And then, without an ounce of self-awareness, has the audacity to come knocking at my door, weeks later in hopes, like the vampire she wishes she was, that she could steal my energy to lift herself back up again. The one who told her best friend that it is I who is spoiled and selfish.
The Cancer, who I loved so dearly. Who I once dropped anything and everything for, because I loved her so dearly. The one I did my best to empower every chance I got.Who with her familial spotlight of Love always turned her back when the most devastating events stabbed me in the back. The knife in the hands of her uplifters. Even telling her best friend, “Stop supporting him, you make me look bad for not doing it too.” Never imagining those words would make it back to me.
And… the Scorpio, who saw my unconditional Love as a weapon. Who occasionally threw me scraps so that when the weight of the oppression she suffered at the hands of the judgemental and selfish ones she did invest in became to much to bare, she could vacation in my shores, just long enough to lift her spirits again, before heading back home to her empty palace: the bed she made and now must lay in. But, not before traumatizing me again and again for her own entertainment.
“A Family,” they say.Nothing like the ones I grew up seeing on TV. “Get over it!” said the Gemini, who perhaps was so devastated by the Love they so dearly wanted being given to a darker skinned outcast offspring that they made it their mission to buy my entire dark-skinned family and banish me. “Sean, you are temporary.” He said. Revenge. “Why did I save his Life?” I often wonder, “when he so clearly wants me to die of a broken heart.”
Money is all they care about. Just like the white women in the streets or the Asian women in the stores who are so certain I want theirs. Money? No, you fool. Love is what I value. And yours is far too conditional for me. It is poetic that the one everyone thinks is after their money is actually the one who stuffs greeting cards, lined with poetry, with cash to give to the homeless. The one who for the past Three years has been sponsoring a young boy named Igor in South America, determined that this boy not be forgotten, like he has. It has taken me years to understand that at the core, our values are so different that all this time, we were never having the same conversation. They, projecting their greed and judgement on me. I, projecting my unconditional Love on them.
The Aries warned me about this years ago. “They don’t Love you,” I remember hearing at the age of 11. Tough words coming from an even tougher disciplinarian. I may have heeded his warning, if my spirit hadn’t begun rejecting every word that left his mouth. Because if those words were true, were all of his? “You have no common sense. You’re not normal” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Did he honestly expect me to Flourish with these seeds being planted in my mind from the age of 6? Did he think watering me with his fist to my chest and his belt to my behind would help me grow toward the Sun? His tone, so piercing, that upon entering university, I changed my name, because the sound of “Sean” ignited such fear in my heart, I thought I would explode. I instead imploded, with the weight of the world’s judgement coming in from all sides. Lacking love to balance it out.
Balance is something I never knew the bipolar, Libra-Virgo to have. How ironic is it, that if you Google her name, a picture appears of her kissing her first born son, with the caption, “My Mommy Loves Me.” Something she seemed to enjoy reminding me was not true for me. I was instead her punching bag. She would lure me in with her sour candy and litter my little body with hit after hit. Both physical and mental. I guess that is what the United States Air Force teaches and so I had to learn. She let me know the moment I met her. I will never forget. To a six year old she said, “Sean, I don’t like people who talk more than I do. You talk more than I do.”
Buuuut, none of these people are to blame. It is I who couldn’t find a way to breathe with their hands covering my mouth. I could never find a way to get the Trauma out of my head. And that is my own problem. I wasn’t comfortable giving in and becoming like them, which would have at least made it easier. But, alas, I could not. I instead chose to learn about the mind and spirit. To shine by eliminating excess food, alcohol, sex, and the like. But, what I did not understand is how this would alienate me more. From everyone. Now, no one understands me. My Truth sounds like a joke to their pessimistic ears. Like a person saying, “you’re beautiful” only to hear, “stop teasing me” as a response.
So, I roam the Earth, looking for a safe place. A place to call home. You know what they say… when in Rome do as the Romans do; Kill, conquer, destroy. But, I am not interested in being like the Romans. So, I slowly disappear into a cloud of tears that sits in the sky in such plain sight that you don’t even see. All because I could not bring myself to beat them or join them .And after years of trying, I could not change myself enough to, as the Gemini said, “Get over it”It is my own fault, really. Not theirs. Not my “friends”. It is not their responsibility to Love me or lift me up. It is not their duty to go beyond “hearting” a message I send or seeing my many, “Hey, how’s it going?” as me trying to start a convo, the way their, “fine” ends it. They have their own inner worries and circles that I do not fit into. A square, not a-round. So many others have figured it out, why can’t I? Or better yet, how many others never figured it out and slowly faded into non-existence? Like a Pop Star with just not enough hits or the ever sought-after “it” factor.” I guess, I just don’t have “it”.Call me by her name; Tinashe.
So, I guess what I am saying is, I am just not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, white enough to get it together. I just couldn’t settle for mediocrity or hypocrisy. And so my alienated heart has been shattered into a million pieces, wondering why I am not good enough to Love. “Thirty-three is your Jesus year,” they said, as they hammered my hands to the cross. “Jesus, I can’t take this,” I say to myself as my 33rd year nears its end. With my arms fully stretched out to the heavens. Wondering if some greater force will have mercy on my poor, weak, soul. But, relief has yet to come or I am to blind to see it. Either way, from this perspective, it seems they want to isolate, manipulate, and degregate me into submission. Monsters, lacking such self awareness that they scream, “save the puppies” as they eat the chicken. The scream, “Me Too!” as they say, “not you”. And they chant, “Together We Can” while on necks, they stand.
All I have in my heart is Love. It hurts me to even think negative thoughts about others. When I think about how I contribute to the world, I imagine how I can bring more Joy and Peace.
But, Mexico City, you do not see that. You do not see a sophisticated, cultured, young person who studies the art of self mastery, who meditates and does Tai Chi. You do not see a person who focuses on managing their own energy for the good of the world. You do not see a talented, trained actor. You don’t see the Love in my heart.
What you see is my brown skin and everywhere I go, I see you looking over your shoulder, guarding your purses, not making space for me on the sidewalk, hosts of restaurants not making eye contact with me, cashiers being rude to me.
I walk around with a smile on face, doing what I can to not take it personally. But, it isn’t just one instance, it is almost everywhere I turn. Everyone is suspicious of me. As if you have anything I desire. Your fear of me only shows me how much you care about material things. I was born in Germany and grew up in The US. Surely, I did not fly to your country to take your pesos.
But, you cannot imagine that, because of the color of my skin. Perhaps too, because I look younger than I am. You can only see me as an impoverished person here to take from you. You rob me of smiles, of warm hellos. It is as though you want me to suffer. You desire to send negativity my way. That is your wish.
You don’t know that I come here to spread Love and Abundance, to buy things I don’t need just to support street vendors. You don’t know how much energy I put into improving my Spanish, so I can respectfully communicate with you. You just see me as a brown person that you believe is lower than you. You don’t know the rooms I have been in. The things I am capable of.
You break my heart. Into a thousand pieces. You make me wonder, “what is the point of living?” It’s one thing to experience this sort of judgement in The US. Here, it seems… beyond insane. Why do you wish to hurt me so?
You are creating a world of suffering. Punishing someone who wishes nothing but the best for you. You will never understand the pain you have brought into my Life.
When you see me in the street, there is no need to worry that I will take something from you, because the only thing I am interested in is Love and it is clear that you do not have any in your heart for me. You want me to die, you want me to suffer. But, I will not.
I wrote, produced, and recorded my second EP, one month after the first. I have no training. I am self taught. I am self driven. Listen if you like, or don’t if you don’t like. My Life is the same. But, I am grateful for the opportunity to share it with those souls who appreciate it. I Love You and I See YOU.
I also would like to use this opportunity to express how much I love myself, before I move on to the next thing. I do all of this on my own. I run this website. I produce my own music. I film and edit my own videos. Artwork. Concepts. Everything. I am not surrounded by friends. I don’t have conversations with people everyday. I am mostly alone. And at the same time, I am running 24-30 miles a week, doing Tai Chi, meditating and reading to better myself. There is no outside motivation. No emotional support. I don’t say this to complain. I say this to recognize for myself that although others don’t recognize what I do, I see and respect myself. And I won’t stop, because my life isn’t about others accepting me. My life is what I make of it. I was born into such darkness of abuse, neglect, manipulation, exploitation and I am so grateful that I have managed, with the help of the words and stories of humans who came before me, to pull myself out of the darkness. To love myself. To believe in myself. And to keep going, even when I am met with silence. This Life is for me and in the same way that If you walk up to a tree and call it stupid, the tree doesn’t lose any value, the tree still the same, if you ignore me or think of me as lacking value, my value hasn’t changed, you just aren’t seeing it. And that has nothing to do with me.
What this life truly is, I am not certain of, on a conscious level. We have been told so many stories, whisper down the lane from, let’s say the time the pyramids were built, till now, some 5,000 years. The attempt to influence us is incessant. And sometimes we are not aware of our own intentions moment to moment, let alone those of others. Each and every one of us has a unique understanding of what is happening. We are all living in different worlds that have some basic, shared understandings. That is over 300 million worlds in the “US” alone.
Patterns seem to have a grip on this reality. Cycles. The planet making its tours around the sun. The moon and its phases. Cyclical weather. It goes on and on. So much so that we base society on these cycles. And what of our personal cycles? What rule do they have over our subconscious minds? And what of those who have managed to ascend to a place that grants them a broader view of this life? How are they influencing society, knowing they are conscious of things you are unconscious of?
Questions.
Inside of us, there is a compass, that is unspoken. After all, spoken language is something that has been installed in us. It does not exist in nature. It was someone else’s idea and it has been put in your head against your will, in order to navigate society. But, before spoken language, our ancestors must have had a way of hearing, seeing, understanding the intuition we have all experienced on various levels. For them, was this intuition clearer, since they were, I imagine, less distracted than we are? These people managed to survive, be innovative, and create without the luxuries you demand today.
Places didn’t have names and there were no Google reviews of the grassy fields they encountered, warning them of what was there. They discovered on their own. What are you discovering on your own? Whose Life are you living?
Recently, I remembered; we are living on the same rock that The Bible speaks of. This is the same place. Water. It was here back then too. The same water. With the “story” of the world being taught to us in institutions, we think of it as this distant thing. As though it were another place. It was not. This is the same place and you are no different from the people that were around when the pyramids were built. You are their children. Have you forgotten?
You are not an American, an Indian, a Mexican… you are the fruit of this planet that exists without a name. It requires no name. Just like you. You are not all of these ideas. These ideas came into existence to help easily point to an experience you are having, not to define you. Have you ever heard the saying, “you can’t get wet from the word water?” These names and ideas; gay, straight, black, white, introvert, extrovert they are symbols pointing to experiences that are constantly changing. What would happen if you thought of them as such?
You are unlimited.
Think on that.
Unlimited.
Without limit.
You know all the people that have done things we deem extraordinary? Extraordinary: outside the normal course of events. Like olympians, inventors, philosophers, artists and such. They are you. What if you saw them as a reminder of what you can do, when you step outside the normal course of action?
Do you remember feeling that a role in a conversation, a joke, a performance, or an attitude was just so delicious? That embodying whatever you were embodying was so interesting, satisfying, and curious – even to you; the the medium through which this expression was realized? Can you recall the feeling of playing, in everyday life? At the convenience store? In the cab? On the phone with customer service?
I can certainly recall some delicious moments, when I chose to do exactly what interested me, regardless of societal protocol. These moments feel charged with energy and potential and they call our co-conspirators to play along with us. Doesn’t it seem that more often than not, people are willing to play with you?
What does it feel like, to make fun, play, enjoyment; the creation of delicious moments, a priority?
Hey everyone! You know I love music. I put this together yesterday and I am so grateful for the opportunity to share it with you. Listen and nod you head, dance a little, enjoy your life, because you are a magnificent expression of all that is and I love you.
In honor of Aaliyah
The beat: “Are You That Somebody”
-Aaliyah, prod by Timbaland
Vocals: “Still Not a Playa” “Heartless” “Too Late”
I initially wrote this song 5 years ago to motivate myself. And recently, I rerecorded the song and my love for it has been reawakened. We can Do, Be, and Have anything we can imagine. It truly is a matter of belief. The Universe consistently reminds me of this and I would like to pass it along.
The song, “Make It,” appears on the EP, Veritas, which I recently released. All music and editing was done by me, using free clips from Pexels.com to take the video places I have yet to visit. Tell me how the song/video makes you feel and listen to the rest of the songs from Veritas on Spotify and all other streaming platforms.
I hadn’t been to a nude beach before 2017. My boyfriend at the time suggested we go, I was interested, and so we went. It was actually one of our last days staying at Hevan, when Chris suggested we move to Berlin together. Berlin… where we eventually broke up.
Coming back to Zipolite on my own was one of many steps in realizing I can do anything. Not because it is so “difficult.” I mean, emotionally. I can be alone in a place that feels so far from the rest of the world, where I am relying heavily on my second language, where, even beyond language, I am not certain that anyone would understand me. I can do this. I knew it, instinctively before, and after 7 months in Zipolite, I now have first hand experience.
What I wasn’t aware of, in my conscious mind, was how I would handle running into my ex-boyfriend after having left him 4 years before in Berlin. But, sure enough, as I sat down at a table for breakfast, there he was. I was sitting when I heard someone say, “no puede ser.” I looked up and saw someone and I felt something, but I didn’t see him… I mean to say, I clearly saw that a person was there, his face was clear, and yet my mind went blank. No thoughts at all. And yet my body started standing. I still wasn’t thinking, no name came to mind. It was clearly him, but this was the depth of the shock I was experiencing. My past time with him was one of my most rewarding and painful experiences. And here we both were, back in Zipolite, four years later.
No one owes me anything and I participate in all my experiences, so I don’t look for apologies. I instead find forgiveness within, for me and for others. And I had already forgiven myself for the beliefs I had, that led to those thoughts, that led to those actions I chose to take back then. And I had completely forgiven him, as well. For. Everything.
So, when we had dinner, to catch up, the following night, I was surprised to hear apologies leaving his mouth. I didn’t need them. And yet, there they were… in abundance. All the moments he mentioned, I remembered very well. And although at the time, there was so much energy encouraging me to give in, and make this behavior normal, I left. Because I trusted myself. Even thought the energy I was in back then, was centered around doubt and the fear of being alone. I found the courage to leave. And now, after four years apart, he is sorry.
My ego said, I don’t need this, but my heart said, “Thank you.” That moment revealed how much I had grown. There was conscious growth, as I had taken it on as a full time activity from the time we broke up, up until that moment of reunion. So, change in general- not a surprise. But, energetically, hearing all of what had happened from the only other person that was there, and still feeling so grateful for the experiences and grateful that he was okay- it was surprising somehow.
Another thing I had not anticipated was what this strong, direction shifting experience would help me to see about the other characters in my life. In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie explains in her classic voiceover style that, it is in comparing one relationship to others past, that we decide how “good” it is. I don’t know how universally true that is, but being around my ex, who I have no real intention of being with again, for just a couple days, made all the guys I knew in Zipolite look less than desirable. If I remember correctly, my thought was, “What the fuck am I doing?”
The depth of humanity, of seeing another person change, of witnessing their life, cast a shadow on the shallow relationships I had there. It helped me see that I was looking for something that was not in those people. I say this with respect.
And I died.
The fear, the “needing”, the sadness. It died. Instantly. And I stopped pretending that I was anything less that what I am and I never looked back. All this under a Scorpio Super Moon.
h.o.e. 