While on Necks, They Stand

Everyone I know wants me to die. It seems there is this agreement they have all made to be silent in my times of need. To slowly back away and when I turn to grab a tissue, dart out the door. The general public, upon glancing at me, decides I have no value and projects the idea that I aim to steal the only things they do value: the material. They project this like a nation of immigrants, saying “get those damn immigrants out of here.” Or a group of people known for raping and pilaging, crying, “they’re rapists.”It’s like a game of the head variety. Each level increasing in difficulty.

It is so much easier to care for those other faces, for those who also get their feet wet in the lake of alcohol, those with status, those who are already celebrated. Those, that by their shared agreement to turn equally away from the Light -just enough to enjoy the dark, but not enough that their own conscious deems them a monster- makes them feel better about themselves.

 “I am not okay,” I told the Aquarian, fighting back tears in a call for HELP I rarely make. An opportunity she took to turn away even more. From me, the one who always listens and tries to help. And then, without an ounce of self-awareness, has the audacity to come knocking at my door, weeks later in hopes, like the vampire she wishes she was, that she could steal my energy to lift herself back up again. The one who told her best friend that it is I who is spoiled and selfish.

The Cancer, who I loved so dearly. Who I once dropped anything and everything for, because I loved her so dearly. The one I did my best to empower every chance I got.Who with her familial spotlight of Love always turned her back when the most devastating events stabbed me in the back. The knife in the hands of her uplifters. Even telling her best friend, “Stop supporting him, you make me look bad for not doing it too.” Never imagining those words would make it back to me.

And… the Scorpio, who saw my unconditional Love as a weapon. Who occasionally threw me scraps so that when the weight of the oppression she suffered at the hands of the judgemental and selfish ones she did invest in became to much to bare, she could vacation in my shores, just long enough to lift her spirits again, before heading back home to her empty palace: the bed she made and now must lay in. But, not before traumatizing me again and again for her own entertainment.

“A Family,” they say.Nothing like the ones I grew up seeing on TV. “Get over it!” said the Gemini, who perhaps was so devastated by the Love they so dearly wanted being given to a darker skinned outcast offspring that they made it their mission to buy my entire dark-skinned family and banish me. “Sean, you are temporary.” He said. Revenge. “Why did I save his Life?” I often wonder, “when he so clearly wants me to die of a broken heart.”

Money is all they care about. Just like the white women in the streets or the Asian women in the stores who are so certain I want theirs. Money? No, you fool. Love is what I value. And yours is far too conditional for me. It is poetic that the one everyone thinks is after their money is actually the one who stuffs greeting cards, lined with poetry, with cash to give to the homeless. The one who for the past Three years has been sponsoring a young boy named Igor in South America, determined that this boy not be forgotten, like he has. It has taken me years to understand that at the core, our values are so different that all this time, we were never having the same conversation. They, projecting their greed and judgement on me. I, projecting my unconditional Love on them. 

The Aries warned me about this years ago. “They don’t Love you,” I remember hearing at the age of 11. Tough words coming from an even tougher disciplinarian. I may have heeded his warning, if my spirit hadn’t begun rejecting every word that left his mouth. Because if those words were true, were all of his? “You have no common sense. You’re not normal” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Did he honestly expect me to Flourish with these seeds being planted in my mind from the age of 6? Did he think watering me with his fist to my chest and his belt to my behind would help me grow toward the Sun? His tone, so piercing, that upon entering university, I changed my name, because the sound of “Sean” ignited such fear in my heart, I thought I would explode. I instead imploded, with the weight of the world’s judgement coming in from all sides. Lacking love to balance it out.

Balance is something I never knew the bipolar, Libra-Virgo to have. How ironic is it, that if you Google her name, a picture appears of her kissing her first born son, with the caption, “My Mommy Loves Me.” Something she seemed to enjoy reminding me was not true for me. I was instead her punching bag. She would lure me in with her sour candy and litter my little body with hit after hit. Both physical and mental. I guess that is what the United States Air Force teaches and so I had to learn. She let me know the moment I met her. I will never forget. To a six year old she said, “Sean, I don’t like people who talk more than I do. You talk more than I do.”

Buuuut, none of these people are to blame. It is I who couldn’t find a way to breathe with their hands covering my mouth. I could never find a way to get the Trauma out of my head. And that is my own problem. I wasn’t comfortable giving in and becoming like them, which would have at least made it easier. But, alas, I could  not. I instead chose to learn about the mind and spirit. To shine by eliminating excess food, alcohol, sex, and the like. But, what I did not understand is how this would alienate me more. From everyone. Now, no one understands me. My Truth sounds like a joke to their pessimistic ears. Like a person saying, “you’re beautiful” only to hear, “stop teasing me” as a response.

So, I roam the Earth, looking for a safe place. A place to call home. You know what they say… when in Rome do as the Romans do; Kill, conquer, destroy. But, I am not interested in being like the Romans. So, I slowly disappear into a cloud of tears that sits in the sky in such plain sight that you don’t even see. All because I could not bring myself to beat them or join them .And after years of trying, I could not change myself enough to, as the Gemini said, “Get over it”It is my own fault, really. Not theirs. Not my “friends”. It is not their responsibility to Love me or lift me up. It is not their duty to go beyond “hearting” a message I send or seeing my many, “Hey, how’s it going?” as me trying to start a convo, the way their, “fine” ends it. They have their own inner worries and circles that I do not fit into. A square, not a-round. So many others have figured it out, why can’t I? Or better yet, how many others never figured it out and slowly faded into non-existence? Like a Pop Star with just not enough hits or the ever sought-after “it” factor.” I guess, I just don’t have “it”.Call me by her name; Tinashe.

So, I guess what I am saying is, I am just not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, white enough to get it together. I just couldn’t settle for mediocrity or hypocrisy. And so my alienated heart has been shattered into a million pieces, wondering why I am not good enough to Love. “Thirty-three is your Jesus year,” they said, as they hammered my hands to the cross. “Jesus, I can’t take this,” I say to myself as my 33rd year nears its end. With my arms fully stretched out to the heavens. Wondering if some greater force will have mercy on my poor, weak, soul. But, relief has yet to come or I am to blind to see it. Either way, from this perspective, it seems they want to isolate, manipulate, and degregate me into submission. Monsters, lacking such self awareness that they scream, “save the puppies” as they eat the chicken. The scream, “Me Too!” as they say, “not you”. And they chant, “Together We Can” while on necks, they stand.

Metanoia

heaven on earth metanoia album music art

I wrote, produced, and recorded my second EP, one month after the first. I have no training. I am self taught. I am self driven. Listen if you like, or don’t if you don’t like. My Life is the same. But, I am grateful for the opportunity to share it with those souls who appreciate it. I Love You and I See YOU.

I also would like to use this opportunity to express how much I love myself, before I move on to the next thing. I do all of this on my own. I run this website. I produce my own music. I film and edit my own videos. Artwork. Concepts. Everything. I am not surrounded by friends. I don’t have conversations with people everyday. I am mostly alone. And at the same time, I am running 24-30 miles a week, doing Tai Chi, meditating and reading to better myself. There is no outside motivation. No emotional support. I don’t say this to complain. I say this to recognize for myself that although others don’t recognize what I do, I see and respect myself. And I won’t stop, because my life isn’t about others accepting me. My life is what I make of it. I was born into such darkness of abuse, neglect, manipulation, exploitation and I am so grateful that I have managed, with the help of the words and stories of humans who came before me, to pull myself out of the darkness. To love myself. To believe in myself. And to keep going, even when I am met with silence. This Life is for me and in the same way that If you walk up to a tree and call it stupid, the tree doesn’t lose any value, the tree still the same, if you ignore me or think of me as lacking value, my value hasn’t changed, you just aren’t seeing it. And that has nothing to do with me.

I Love You.

Zipolite, Vol IV: Death

I hadn’t been to a nude beach before 2017. My boyfriend at the time suggested we go, I was interested, and so we went. It was actually one of our last days staying at Hevan, when Chris suggested we move to Berlin together. Berlin… where we eventually broke up.

Coming back to Zipolite on my own was one of many steps in realizing I can do anything. Not because it is so “difficult.” I mean, emotionally. I can be alone in a place that feels so far from the rest of the world, where I am relying heavily on my second language, where, even beyond language, I am not certain that anyone would understand me. I can do this. I knew it, instinctively before, and after 7 months in Zipolite, I now have first hand experience.

What I wasn’t aware of, in my conscious mind, was how I would handle running into my ex-boyfriend after having left him 4 years before in Berlin. But, sure enough, as I sat down at a table for breakfast, there he was. I was sitting when I heard someone say, “no puede ser.” I looked up and saw someone and I felt something, but I didn’t see him… I mean to say, I clearly saw that a person was there, his face was clear, and yet my mind went blank. No thoughts at all. And yet my body started standing. I still wasn’t thinking, no name came to mind. It was clearly him, but this was the depth of the shock I was experiencing. My past time with him was one of my most rewarding and painful experiences. And here we both were, back in Zipolite, four years later.

No one owes me anything and I participate in all my experiences, so I don’t look for apologies. I instead find forgiveness within, for me and for others. And I had already forgiven myself for the beliefs I had, that led to those thoughts, that led to those actions I chose to take back then. And I had completely forgiven him, as well. For. Everything.

So, when we had dinner, to catch up, the following night, I was surprised to hear apologies leaving his mouth. I didn’t need them. And yet, there they were… in abundance. All the moments he mentioned, I remembered very well. And although at the time, there was so much energy encouraging me to give in, and make this behavior normal, I left. Because I trusted myself. Even thought the energy I was in back then, was centered around doubt and the fear of being alone. I found the courage to leave. And now, after four years apart, he is sorry.

My ego said, I don’t need this, but my heart said, “Thank you.” That moment revealed how much I had grown. There was conscious growth, as I had taken it on as a full time activity from the time we broke up, up until that moment of reunion. So, change in general- not a surprise. But, energetically, hearing all of what had happened from the only other person that was there, and still feeling so grateful for the experiences and grateful that he was okay- it was surprising somehow.

Another thing I had not anticipated was what this strong, direction shifting experience would help me to see about the other characters in my life. In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie explains in her classic voiceover style that, it is in comparing one relationship to others past, that we decide how “good” it is. I don’t know how universally true that is, but being around my ex, who I have no real intention of being with again, for just a couple days, made all the guys I knew in Zipolite look less than desirable. If I remember correctly, my thought was, “What the fuck am I doing?”

The depth of humanity, of seeing another person change, of witnessing their life, cast a shadow on the shallow relationships I had there. It helped me see that I was looking for something that was not in those people. I say this with respect.

And I died.

The fear, the “needing”, the sadness. It died. Instantly. And I stopped pretending that I was anything less that what I am and I never looked back. All this under a Scorpio Super Moon.

Thank you, Zipolite.

Zipolite, Vol III: POV

Heaven on earth

One day, I was at my place, waiting for the afternoon heat to dissipate. I had music playing and was singing along, when I heard a knock at the door. I was not expecting anyone and with this surprise, came urgency on my end, to answer the door, out of curiosity. Because I was naked, I just opened the door enough to peek my head out and when I did, I saw that it as my friend who was knocking and in an attempt to quickly escape the sun, when I began opening the door, he immediately walked in. And for a moment, I was embarrassed, “I am sorry, I am naked I didn’t expect anyone.” To which he responded, “cool” and gave me a hug and continued on, like nothing was happening. Then I remembered…. I’m in Zipolite.

One morning, I went running and saw all the morning regulars, and because Zipolite is a tourist destination, every now and again, there is a rush of new people. This was one of those mornings. A beautiful man, about my age, was running the opposite way as me, which is ideal, because each lap, we would have a new chance to glance at each other. I honestly couldn’t believe how beautiful he was, not in the commercial sense, but in the human sense. I was excited when I started my final lap, to see him again. But, as I ran, there was no sight of him. “Hmmmm,” I thought. I got to the end of the beach, my run now finished, and there he was, in the water. I felt an urge to speak to him and to my surprise, as I walked toward him, he quickly started leaving the water… and not to come toward me. I chose not to take it personally, but I was surprised. That is, until saw his body once he exited the water. He had, by far, the biggest erection, I think I had ever seen in person and he ran to his shorts in the sand, quickly put them on and ran away. Easily, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

I only know of one restaurant in Zipolite that delivers; Salmastro. And when the heat was too much or I had a video to finish editing, I would order some delicious food from there, delivery. On one of these occasions, I heard the moto of the guy who always delivers as he was arriving and so I quickly went to get money, to pay him. My place was on the second floor and so he would walk up the stairs, which emptied onto a patio of sorts, and wait for me there. I got to the door, greeted him, took the food and placed it on the counter. I began counting the money and because he was at a lower height than me, as he was standing a few stairs lower, I noticed that he was looking at something on me. And when I looked down, I saw that my robe, which was tied closed had opened below the belt, exposing my penis. And he looked at it, like it was a tree or a rose and continued on, like nothing happened. And I felt the love of acceptance.

helP me get to one million streams of my neW eP, “veritas”. It’s free to listen. Check it out.

folloW my neW instagram account

Zipolite, Volume II: Puedes…

When I first arrived to Zipolite, I spoke to The Universe directly; “When I leave this place, I will be a completely different person. I am ready to learn what I need to learn to move closer to my highest self. I am ready. Challenge me.” It is worth noting that Zipolite, at times, feels like a vortex, one of those places on the planet with an open window to another dimension… or something like that. And it wasn’t long before my expansion would begin.

Nicolas is like no one I have ever met. I firs made his acquaintance, a 30 something from Chile, living in Zipolite. Physically, he resembles a gymnast who models on the side. Energetically, he is a son of God… The Universe… All That Is… WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT. His energy is strong, his spiritual evolution is evident, and his desire to play is inspiring.

One day Nicolas said to me, “I will help you with your back.” I had surgery for scoliosis, 19 years ago and while I am in impeccable physical condition, overall, there has been room for improvement in the area of flexibility, in my back. He first invited me to run with him from Zipolite to Mazunte; about a 5 mile run, with both inclines and heat combining to make a rather average distance, into a CHALLENGE. When we arrived in Mazunte, we headed straight for Punta Cometa, running off the road and through the trees, at full speed. Running down the cliff, jumping from rock to rock, until we got to the beach. Washed our bodies off, briefly, in the water, which is curiously silent until the moment the water comes in and what was previously a serene scene transforms for just a few seconds into something potentially violent.

We immediately jumped into a yoga session, which he led and afterwards, he headed in the water for a swim. Before Zipolite, I had not spent a great deal of time at the beach. And swimming was not on the top of my list of “Things to Do.” An experience, being knocked over by a wave at the age of 4, dampened my interest in the water, severely. So, I just watched Nicolas, as he so elegantly floated with the soft waves and violent crashes. Coming out of the water, he asked if I would like to join him. “Oh, I can’t really swim.” I replied. To which, he simply responded, “Puedes.”

Anytime I attempted to explain why I could not do something, Nicolas would respond with, “Puedes” and nothing more. And each time, I learned that I indeed, could. Our regular yoga sessions were right before sunset in Zipolite and I would participate, completely nude. Being naked while taking on challenges of will and dispelling fears can feel like a vulnerable experience, and that’s why I did it and I didn’t care who sat and watched as I stretched myself in ways that scared me. ME. And Nicolas would guide me, breathing through, and stretching further than I ever thought possible.

And something remarkable about my experiences with Nicolas, is that he was just a peer. Another guy, same age, similar interests, who said, “I am your friend, I am going to help you.” He didn’t judge me in moments of vulnerability, he was actual rather indifferent. It was as though, he knew what I had forgotten and would patiently wait for me to remember, “Puedes.”

This was also the most fraternal experience I had had since college. Somehow, it had been years since I had been around another guy who was confident, nurturing, into physical closeness, and not consumed with sex. I felt I could exhale around him and not worry that he was after something else. I remember standing in front of a mirror at his house and he was explaining an area of my body he thought was really developed, and because my Spanish is not 100% and he does not speak English at all, he came over, stood behind me (looking in the mirror) and pulled down my pants to point it out to me. And I melted. Just at finally having a friendship with this level of closeness, trust, and growing with another guy.

When we first met, I told Nicolas, “You have something that I would like to see in myself and I would like to be around you, so I can learn how.” And so I did. And to this day, whenever I have a doubt in my mind about my ability to do something, I hear his voice in my head, saying, “Puedes.”

listen to my new ep, “Veritas,” on spotify

The Question

Photo by Ashutosh Jaiswal from Pexels

The way we enter this world can influence the direction of our growth; be it that we arrive in a nest filled with Love and Wisdom or that we find ourselves in what appears to be the deepest, darkest, depths of sorrow. Nonetheless, it is we who give meaning to these moments, because the Truth is, no matter how you enter this world and no matter how you define the place you are in right now, EVERYTHING is available to you. It may not always be obvious to you, but you are always influencing the direction of change in your life. Because the “deepest, darkest, depths of sorrow” are actually Love and Wisdom in disguise.

Dreams

There are a plethora of dreams available for you to buy, here in our version of reality.

The American Dream

The Struggle Dream

The Picket Fence Dream

There are an endless number of dreams available for you to buy and they are being sold left and right. If you are in modern society, you can’t turn your head without a salesperson, trying to sell you one of these dreams. It is helpful to know, that you must first buy them, for them to apply to your life. What dream have you purchased?

The more focused and centered I become, the more I see each moment as a salesperson.

The person yelling racial slurs is merely a salesperson, asking you to buy their dream. You don’t have to, but you can.

The person you are dating, who is telling you, “you are not enough,” is a salesperson, asking you to buy their dream. You don’t have to, but you can.

The person telling you, you are capable of achieving everything you imagine in this world. That person is a salesperson, asking you to buy their dream. You don’t have to, but you can.

These moments are not things that are “happening to us”, they are offers to buy. From there, we choose.

Someone once told me, “the only difference between you and the people you admire, is that they handle the same situations you encounter, in a different way.”

This society provides so many examples of people making purchases that do not align with what they truly desire for themselves, because they believe they have to. There is no need to feel ashamed, when you learn that you are responsible for having bought the dream you are in. Television shows are called programs because they program you. And you have seen, since birth, so many instances of people buying dreams they don’t want and it can influence you to do the same.

“He cheated on me, it’s because there’s something wrong with me.”

“You lied and so I am angry.”

“No one listens to me because, I don’t matter.”

Perhaps your parents, your friends have all bought dreams they don’t truly want, but that doesn’t mean you have to and it doesn’t mean they can’t make better purchases in the future. These ways of being are choices. You can respond differently to life. You can already see how you respond differently to things than you once did.

As a child when Mom told you “no” maybe you cried. Then, you got older and when she said “no” you asked Dad. Then, you got even older and when she said “no” you negotiated with her. This alone is evidence that what is happening does not define how your life will be, it merely asks, how you will respond. And the dream you bought, dictates your response.

My friend, you are Hamlet. And when you step out into the world and encounter these salespeople, selling dreams on every corner, you just ask yourself, “To be or not to be?”

The man who was too afraid to follow his dreams and sits in the same bar every night, repeating his limiting beliefs over and over again. To be or not to be.

The woman who stays focused, keeps to herself, and silently makes moves to benefit her. To be or not be.

The person surrounded by friends who love and cherish them. To be or not to be.

The couple in an unhappy marriage. To be or not to be.

Our human bodies have a special mirroring tool. It is easily seen when someone is very happy and excited and so we become very happy and excited. Or when someone starts yelling, so we start yelling. We have the ability to turn this mirroring tool off and put ourselves in a place that says, this person’s behavior is not about me, it is just asking me, “to be or not be.” And when we can manage not to get dramatic in the midst of drama, it becomes easier and easier to see everyone as a salesperson asking us to buy stock in their dream.

When you pick up a pen, how do you do it? When you are driving a car, how do you do it? Do you actually know how the brain sends the impulse to the hand to pick up the pen? Do you fully comprehend how your fingers adjust the grip on the steering wheel? No, you just make a decision and nature does the rest.

You don’t need to know how it will come to pass, you only decide; to be or not to be. That is the question.

today

Heaven on earth

today i called an uber and when i approached the uber to get inside, the driver locked the door, rolled down the window and asked my name

this was an opportunity not to make assumptions as why this was happening, to not take it personally and to not make up a story about the driver, but to meet him with love.

can i keep this up?

today a woman was selling bags on the street and out of habit, I said, “no thank you” but, I thought about it and realized I was about to get groceries and it would probably really help the woman if I bought something from her. so, i went back and asked her how much. she said 150, i gave her 200 and asked for change, she then said it cost 250. i told her, she can keep the bag, but she continued to hustle me for more. I told her keep the bag and the money but she kept arguing. finally, she realized and said thank you and took the bag back.

this was an opportunity for me to remember that if you keep your mind stuck in a negative reality, you won’t be able to see when someone is actually helping you. it reminded me to have compassion, because you don’t know people’s state of mind. and it reminded me that i don’t have to mirror the behavior of others.

can i always be this present and aware?

today i let my thoughts lead me to a feeling of lonliness

this was an opportunity to remember that the space between the notes in the music are what make the music, otherwise it would just be jumbled sound. And right now, I may be experiencing a space in being surrounded by people that love me, but that is what makes the moments of love so beautiful. i remembered to be grateful for all i have and i am never really alone, because i am always in good company when i am with myself.

can i stay this grateful and focused on what is woking?

today i did my best

SBCNSLY

Heaven on Earth

SBCNSLY is one those songs that when I heard it, I felt the spirit of instant recognition. Before I even knew what this song was about, I knew it was me. A story came rushing to my mind, one not fully apparent in the video (which I enjoy), and I would like to share that story with you. It feels… It is… personal.

My initial idea consisted of a woman at a celebration of sorts, perhaps somewhere in South America. In my mind, it was Brazil. And she was enjoying herself, dancing and laughing during a festival. This was a big festival, one that everyone looked forward to. And she was the belle of all balls. To watch her dance and laugh, was to be inspired.

In all her joy, she turned around to see her significant other kissing someone else. And, feeling so hurt, she was unable to allow herself to accept that it happened, to show any signs of acknowledgement. Although, it slowly becomes apparent to all.

So, she continued dancing… Forever. She never stops, because she knows if she stops, she must face this reality. And so she dances her way out of the festival, down the street, across the city, for all eternity. Smiling and dancing. She becomes mythological. Everyone knows her story. It’s perhaps the first story children are ever told. And she does all this, to keep from feeling the inevitable pain.

For me, this represented a fear that has always lingered in my mind. One that I will someday face. Increasingly people are beginning to accept the idea of an open relationship and I always feared that my partner would find someone of greater privilege and social ranking and fall in love with it. Not them, but the access, the visibility, etc and leave me. This is not an original fear, but has shown its face here and there. But, I plan to face this fear head on, when that day comes.

Being in quarantine, having a film crew of just me, and having the time restraint of about 24 hours, I decided to simplify, to adjust the story. And so it became a combination of hers and mine. For me, it was about the fear of vulnerability. Just as the song… songs. I imagined myself in a wedding dress on my wedding day, wondering if I could actually do it. Be myself. Be goofy. Be focused. Be loving. Be Me. And be accepted by this person. Truly accepted, or would, upon seeing all that is me, they begin to judge me and turn me into their enemy. I imagined being so frightened of this, that I became a giant, out of pure frustration, looking out over the city, watching people, wondering how any of them manage to be so vulnerable. And the backup dancers, I imagine were her. The beautiful woman from Brazil, coming to support me in my lament.

May we all face our illusory fears and grow into that which we are truly meant to be.

I love you.

-Heaven

GOLD

Heaven on Earth

“You’ll hit gold more often if you simply try out a lot of things.”
― Ira Glass


The renewable resource that, for all my life, has fueled the vehicle that drives me, is the search for GOLD. And so, I have tried a lot of things and found gold here and there, but mostly gold plated rocks. But, that doesn’t stop me, because I know gold is out there. But, after losing friends, feeling trapped and suicidal, and watching “family” become more and more distant, I began to wonder, “is there gold in here? within me?”Every teaching I have encountered tells me that I must first see what I desire within myself before I can see it without.  And so, I began a quest inward, to discover the natural resources that lay hidden in the fields of my inner world, that no military force could ever excavate or monetize. And along this inward journey, I was surprised to see ideas from the outside world.

“Your best isn’t good enough”

“I don’t date black people.”

“I’ll fucking kill you, you stupid f****t”

I found that my fields were filled with weeds, draining the nutrients of the soil of my soul and keeping my flowers of love from reaching their full potential. And this was no coincidence. You see, years ago, as a child, I asked the universe to guide me towards expansion, growth, enlightenment. And as Abraham Hicks says, “you always get what you want.” I got it; a never ending parade of lessons; growth in wolf’s clothing, as Robin Sharma would say. Initially, I took to victim-hood. “Why is this happening to me?” With time, I began to see patterns, I also began to see how this idea of being a victim would often keep my from doing things that I KNEW would help me. A clear solution would stare me in the face and all I could think was, “someone help me,” when it was I who needed to help myself. So, for once, I decided to tend to my own garden, rather than wait for some sexy gardener to take interest in my fields. I used tho only tool I could find, a HOE. 

Google’s definition of “hoe”



HOE or Heaven on Earth is a state of mind, that helps one to see more clearly that which is dis-empowering and drains your resources (weeds) in order to consciously remove them and  actively care for and focus on, that which empowers you (flowers). Initially, I scratched the surface and was amazed by the results I found, the short-lived results. Changing the words I used during self-talk, becoming more and more aware of my self-limiting beliefs, they were just the beginning. If I wanted true change, I had to get these weeds by the root. So, I stopped. Everything.


I stopped watching TV, I stopped drinking alcohol, I stopped smoking, I stopped having sex, I stopped watching porn, I stopped masturbating, I even stopped fantasizing. I stopped focusing on changing things and started focusing on being something completely different. I imagined that person I always hoped I’d become; what he looked like, how he thought of himself in relation to the world around him, the compassion he had for others, how he expressed Love. And I decided to stop waiting for him to appear and just do it. Now. In ever situation, I’d ask, How would my future self see this situation? He has tons of insight. How would my future self transform this narrative into something more helpful? What environment would my future self put himself in, that would be conducive to growth? And that being, my future self, would travel in time, from the future to the present and show up in situations as my Hero.

He showed me to have compassion for those who aimed at hurting me, because just as I am learning how much my conditioning is shaping me, so too are they. Their lack of Love is not about you, it is about them and it can only hurt you if you take it personally. Have compassion.

He showed me that if I don’t want to swim, don’t get in the water. Why continue to put yourself in an environment that hasn’t learned to respect you? Go elsewhere.

He showed me one my greatest tools; focus. Where you attention goes, energy flows. Be mindful of where you place said attention, in your thoughts, in your actions, and be mindful of that which aims to distract you. Distraction is the vice of Focus. So, what are you really gaining from the distraction of meaningless sex, likes on Instagram, notifications on your phone? You are gaining distractions.

Future me is the hero I have been waiting for my entire life. It’s only that I hadn’t realized he was inside me this entire time. The past few years have seen me in, what some may call, extreme isolation. This was the only way for me to discover what is me and what is noise. And now, I believe, The Universe is conspiring to align me with those vibrating at a similar frequency . Those who, like me, tended to their own gardens and found within them, GOLD.


This you?